It seems as though that right now my life is being made up of several small but significant countdowns. Seconds and minutes passing away from the future to the past leading on to a conclusion, its scary, but exciting too:
Meeting with student liaison to go through my coursework – 3 days (and surprisingly not left to last minute)
Meeting old friend for dinner and Cinema – 5 days (in desperate need of alcohol after)
Going shopping for more Furniture – 12 days (I’m thinking an extra large TV)
Me Moving into my new house – 50 days (scared shitless)
World of Warcraft Cataclysm comes out – 58 days (GEEKGASM!!! Rolling a Worgen FTW!!)
Christmas – 76 days (and slitting my wrists already)
Holiday with Ryan and the Gays - 85 days (Gran Canaria for some sun, sea and sexy lifeguards)
Its maddening to think of all the things that are coming, but only just a little bit out of reach. Still all of these things will help bring a little bit of shine to an otherwise dull life right now, especially now that the house is finally near completion. I feel a bit more free to breathe and start having a little bit of fun, instead of watching the pennies, and the pounds.
I know everyone will probably leave all their resolutions until new years, but I already know that I need to have a little more fun before then, and then make a resolution to have even more.
Keeping it brief today, just to start putting my toe back into my single bloggers lifestyle, but I promise a more concise and funny update in the days to come.
Leaving you all with an inspirational thought, you are all perfect at being yourselves. Catch you on the flip side readers.
(N.B. written while listening to Natalie Imbruglia's Counting Down the Days album)
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Why?
Why do I see your face standing out in a crowd?
Why do I keep looking at you, and hope you are looking back?
Why does the die of just going over and saying hi, feel more scary than skin cancer?
Why is it that when I do talk to you, I ramble on like some mental patient?
Why am I such a dork?
Why do you smile at me and look into my eyes?
Why does your smile and eye contact make me shiver that has nothing to do with the cold?
Why do I remember every single thing you say, and yet still be amazed you are talking to me at all?
Why did you just buy me a drink, and why did you be sure to ask for a double ?
Why did I not see that coming?
Why do I want to kiss you so much, when we have barely had a conversation?
Why do you keep looking at me as if you want me to kiss you back?
Why do I always have to be the brave one who goes in first?
Why is it that when we kiss my lips tingle and why are your arms so warm when they are around my waist?
Why did I not think of having a breath mint after chowing down on garlic bread before coming out tonight?
Why do you give me a second look as I look around and see the other more attractive guys who tried it on with you, and to whom you said no?
Why are they now looking at me with disgust, and why do I care so much what they think?
Why did I give you my phone number?
Why did you text me so soon after I left with my friends?
Why does seeing a text from you make my heart skip a beat?
Why am I now holding on to my phone for grim death waiting for it to jingle reassuringly to tell me you just text me back?
Why do I get so annoyed when a friend texts me in the middle of this and breaks my train of thought?
Why did I invite you to see that movie that I have already seen..... Twice ?
Why do I seem to fit so well in your arms?
Why do you seem to slide into mine so perfectly?
Why did we bother with the movie, we missed most of it while we were snogging in the back row?
Why did I suggest you coming back to my place?
Why did you say yes?
Why did you want to be my boyfriend, when I sometimes felt unlovable?
Why do I start to put up pictures of us in my room?
Why did we make such a big thing about linking our profiles on Facebook even though we both find it mega dorky?
Why did you tell me you loved me for the first time so quietly that I had to ask you to repeat yourself twice before I understood?
Why did I then say I loved you too, and mean it with my whole heart?
Why did it all go wrong?
Why did we start having fights over nothing?
Why did we stop making the effort to spend our free time together?
Why did you need some time to yourself, and why did I have to be the understanding boyfriend?
Why did I torture myself to find you the perfect valentines present, when I knew deep down You were probably too hassled from work to get me anything?
Why did start caring more about your drama of a life, and why did you stop asking that all important question "how are you"?
Why did it feel like every time we were together, I was walking in egg shells?
Why did you let yourself get so pissed off about every little thing, and so stressed that you seemed to be perpetually miserable?
Why did I still make the effort to include you in my life, when you make no effort at all?
Why did I tell you I was fine with that even when it was actually a little insulted?
Why and when did I apparently loose my own identity to this dual one I made for us both?
Why did it take so long for us to work up the courage to admit it was over, when we both already knew it?
Why do we still care about each other so much?
Why am I sure that we will be amazing friends?
Why do I torture myself, and then try to be happy for you?
Why were you so close but yet so far to being perfect?
Why couldn't I settle and just be happy?
Why even when I am sure it is all for the best, do the edges of my heart feel ragged and hurt?
Why did I go on that ice-cream binge right after we broke up, and how am I going to loose the half stone I just put on?
And one more question that I always ask myself at the end:
Why even after all that has been done and said, do I find myself still being just a little bit in love with you?
These are the questions that have often come up in relationships, and sometimes also their aftermath. As someone who has just gone through a break up, I have also asked a few of these myself, but also as a good friend I have heard people around me ask themselves the same questions? There is nothing that really refers to any one person in particular, but I think these are the kind of questions we all ask ourselves at one time or another.
The truth is that the answer to all of these could very well be the same thing. But what that is I will leave you to decide.
Why do I keep looking at you, and hope you are looking back?
Why does the die of just going over and saying hi, feel more scary than skin cancer?
Why is it that when I do talk to you, I ramble on like some mental patient?
Why am I such a dork?
Why do you smile at me and look into my eyes?
Why does your smile and eye contact make me shiver that has nothing to do with the cold?
Why do I remember every single thing you say, and yet still be amazed you are talking to me at all?
Why did you just buy me a drink, and why did you be sure to ask for a double ?
Why did I not see that coming?
Why do I want to kiss you so much, when we have barely had a conversation?
Why do you keep looking at me as if you want me to kiss you back?
Why do I always have to be the brave one who goes in first?
Why is it that when we kiss my lips tingle and why are your arms so warm when they are around my waist?
Why did I not think of having a breath mint after chowing down on garlic bread before coming out tonight?
Why do you give me a second look as I look around and see the other more attractive guys who tried it on with you, and to whom you said no?
Why are they now looking at me with disgust, and why do I care so much what they think?
Why did I give you my phone number?
Why did you text me so soon after I left with my friends?
Why does seeing a text from you make my heart skip a beat?
Why am I now holding on to my phone for grim death waiting for it to jingle reassuringly to tell me you just text me back?
Why do I get so annoyed when a friend texts me in the middle of this and breaks my train of thought?
Why did I invite you to see that movie that I have already seen..... Twice ?
Why do I seem to fit so well in your arms?
Why do you seem to slide into mine so perfectly?
Why did we bother with the movie, we missed most of it while we were snogging in the back row?
Why did I suggest you coming back to my place?
Why did you say yes?
Why did you want to be my boyfriend, when I sometimes felt unlovable?
Why do I start to put up pictures of us in my room?
Why did we make such a big thing about linking our profiles on Facebook even though we both find it mega dorky?
Why did you tell me you loved me for the first time so quietly that I had to ask you to repeat yourself twice before I understood?
Why did I then say I loved you too, and mean it with my whole heart?
Why did it all go wrong?
Why did we start having fights over nothing?
Why did we stop making the effort to spend our free time together?
Why did you need some time to yourself, and why did I have to be the understanding boyfriend?
Why did I torture myself to find you the perfect valentines present, when I knew deep down You were probably too hassled from work to get me anything?
Why did start caring more about your drama of a life, and why did you stop asking that all important question "how are you"?
Why did it feel like every time we were together, I was walking in egg shells?
Why did you let yourself get so pissed off about every little thing, and so stressed that you seemed to be perpetually miserable?
Why did I still make the effort to include you in my life, when you make no effort at all?
Why did I tell you I was fine with that even when it was actually a little insulted?
Why and when did I apparently loose my own identity to this dual one I made for us both?
Why did it take so long for us to work up the courage to admit it was over, when we both already knew it?
Why do we still care about each other so much?
Why am I sure that we will be amazing friends?
Why do I torture myself, and then try to be happy for you?
Why were you so close but yet so far to being perfect?
Why couldn't I settle and just be happy?
Why even when I am sure it is all for the best, do the edges of my heart feel ragged and hurt?
Why did I go on that ice-cream binge right after we broke up, and how am I going to loose the half stone I just put on?
And one more question that I always ask myself at the end:
Why even after all that has been done and said, do I find myself still being just a little bit in love with you?
These are the questions that have often come up in relationships, and sometimes also their aftermath. As someone who has just gone through a break up, I have also asked a few of these myself, but also as a good friend I have heard people around me ask themselves the same questions? There is nothing that really refers to any one person in particular, but I think these are the kind of questions we all ask ourselves at one time or another.
The truth is that the answer to all of these could very well be the same thing. But what that is I will leave you to decide.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Single..... Again
Well if the title doesnt already say it all allow me to go into a little bit more detail. Me and the boyfriend decided that we needed to call it quits.
It was a hard decision for both of us, but we were in agreement it was probably the best choice that we could of made. We were beginning to be fed up and easily annoyed with each other. Sadly it made us think that perhaps everything we had, had run its natural course, and we had two choices, we could leave now with the good memories, or we could wait and make it harder on us both if we fell apart later.
We have decided that we will be maintaining our friendship, or rather that we would try to, and we both have all the best intentions and good will in the world to make it happen.
First things first, I am fine, well sort of. Its weird, even knowing it was the bet thing I could do I still seem to have good days, and bad days. Sometimes i want to go and paint the town red, and others I want to curl up in bed with a book and be in bed by 9.15, I know, pathetic with a capital P.
Still I refuse to be sad, I just want to keep moving forward. I love Lee, and I always will, and I will miss him horribly. But I am thankful for the time that we ha together, and the friendship that we still have.
It was a hard decision for both of us, but we were in agreement it was probably the best choice that we could of made. We were beginning to be fed up and easily annoyed with each other. Sadly it made us think that perhaps everything we had, had run its natural course, and we had two choices, we could leave now with the good memories, or we could wait and make it harder on us both if we fell apart later.
We have decided that we will be maintaining our friendship, or rather that we would try to, and we both have all the best intentions and good will in the world to make it happen.
First things first, I am fine, well sort of. Its weird, even knowing it was the bet thing I could do I still seem to have good days, and bad days. Sometimes i want to go and paint the town red, and others I want to curl up in bed with a book and be in bed by 9.15, I know, pathetic with a capital P.
Still I refuse to be sad, I just want to keep moving forward. I love Lee, and I always will, and I will miss him horribly. But I am thankful for the time that we ha together, and the friendship that we still have.
Sunday, 5 September 2010
1 Billion Friends
In the age where the social networking site is the height of conversation, is it actually causing us to loose sight of the importance of physical interaction? More than that, is it possible to be connected with dozens of other people through them and still be alone?
Ok cards on the table, I am not a naturally confident guy, I am the sort of guy who won't say boo to a goose for fear the goose will kill me and eat my family. That said the idea of talking to people through online mediums has helped me to be a lot more comfortable talking in real life.
My love affair with social networking began at the tender age of 18, with the infamous Gaydar, a "dating" site which offered the promise of meeting more gay guys, since at that tender age I didn't know any. From there it grew into MSN where I made a new place for myself to talk to these people I was chatting too on Gaydar, and started the slow process of building up relationships with a lot of different people.
OK I can hear the comments already, that Gaydar and MSN are not inherently social networks. However, it's how the story starts with a lot of people, and it grew further into other areas.
I moved on to Myspace, since it offered the chance to do some early blogging, I also took the advice of a dude from Gaydar and got myself installed on Faceparty too. By this point it was only a year later and I had my fingers in a lot of different pies. Not even a year after that I found myself on Facebook, the granddaddy of them all, and started to measure my self worth by the number of friends I had. I had also moved on to the unusually named LadsLads where I had given up completely on the "dating" sites and realised that sometimes all you need is straight up athletic and intense sex. I even publicly reported my own entry into the ranks of the Twiterrati just a few months ago with yet another online profile.
Now before anyone gets the wrong impression of me, I actually do have a life. I have a job and friends, and hobbies, and people who care about me. I love the idea that these sites can introduce you to new people and friends, and sometimes even boyfriends for the single gay man on the go. But when we get down to it, are our facebook friends really our friends, or are the followers in Twitter ever really listening? Is the dude on Gaydar going to remember you for you, or for the naughty picture that you posted? When you realise your latest status update is as dull as ditch water, is that when you realise, that probably no one cares?
My real question is, is it possible that the idea of being so deeply connected with all these strangers, can social networking ever take the place of something real?
In my opinion it can't, it never could. So why don't we all try something a little different? Find a facebook friend or a Twitter follower that you don't know all that well, chat to them, get to know them, maybe even meet IRL for lunch someday. Talk about the things that really do matter to you, I promise no character limits, and no seedy pics needed first.
Believe it or not I still like my love affair with social networking, but I just know there is more to life than chat windows and what Stephen Fry is doing this week.
Ok cards on the table, I am not a naturally confident guy, I am the sort of guy who won't say boo to a goose for fear the goose will kill me and eat my family. That said the idea of talking to people through online mediums has helped me to be a lot more comfortable talking in real life.
My love affair with social networking began at the tender age of 18, with the infamous Gaydar, a "dating" site which offered the promise of meeting more gay guys, since at that tender age I didn't know any. From there it grew into MSN where I made a new place for myself to talk to these people I was chatting too on Gaydar, and started the slow process of building up relationships with a lot of different people.
OK I can hear the comments already, that Gaydar and MSN are not inherently social networks. However, it's how the story starts with a lot of people, and it grew further into other areas.
I moved on to Myspace, since it offered the chance to do some early blogging, I also took the advice of a dude from Gaydar and got myself installed on Faceparty too. By this point it was only a year later and I had my fingers in a lot of different pies. Not even a year after that I found myself on Facebook, the granddaddy of them all, and started to measure my self worth by the number of friends I had. I had also moved on to the unusually named LadsLads where I had given up completely on the "dating" sites and realised that sometimes all you need is straight up athletic and intense sex. I even publicly reported my own entry into the ranks of the Twiterrati just a few months ago with yet another online profile.
Now before anyone gets the wrong impression of me, I actually do have a life. I have a job and friends, and hobbies, and people who care about me. I love the idea that these sites can introduce you to new people and friends, and sometimes even boyfriends for the single gay man on the go. But when we get down to it, are our facebook friends really our friends, or are the followers in Twitter ever really listening? Is the dude on Gaydar going to remember you for you, or for the naughty picture that you posted? When you realise your latest status update is as dull as ditch water, is that when you realise, that probably no one cares?
My real question is, is it possible that the idea of being so deeply connected with all these strangers, can social networking ever take the place of something real?
In my opinion it can't, it never could. So why don't we all try something a little different? Find a facebook friend or a Twitter follower that you don't know all that well, chat to them, get to know them, maybe even meet IRL for lunch someday. Talk about the things that really do matter to you, I promise no character limits, and no seedy pics needed first.
Believe it or not I still like my love affair with social networking, but I just know there is more to life than chat windows and what Stephen Fry is doing this week.
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