Since becoming single I have noticed that my mind wanders to people I have loved and lost. But with no one is it more apparent as it is with one guy, for the purpose of the blog let's call him Ace. For nearly 3 years my mind has drifted to him and I have had that moment, that time where I think about what might of been.
Today after work I met a good mate, a mate who has seen me through a lot of bad shit in my life. And as I was there eating some nibbles he bought for the occasion (sour cream and chive pringles) and chatting about his sex life (his facvourite subject after Doctor Who, and 80's tv), it came out that he has met a new fuck buddy. Sadly all it took was one quick description for me to realise this was the boy who had occupied my thoughts off and on for so long. Ace, my Ace, not mine anymore.
I wasn't angry, not even sad, just a bit bemused. I think in that moment I saw him clearly for the first time. I saw that when I chatted to him off and on that he would only text me or say hi on MSN, if I did first. He would tease me and talk about the good old days when he was lonely. When I suggested a drink or some food, he was always conveniently away, or working or otherwise indisposed. I accepted it, and in silence I ignored his obvious flaws.
I don't know, but I think it's a personality flaw with me. I let a person in my heart, and even after they trash the place I still leave a key under the mat in the hopes that they will find their way back in. Call it low self esteem or whatever, I get it, it's pathetic.
But then why do I let it go on? Simply put, I just don't want to say goodbye. Saying goodbye means closing doors, and moving on, something I know I am not good at. Until today that is.
Today after hearing my friend talk about his passionate new playmate, I decided it's time to be the bad guy and do the right thing. I came home, and I opened my MSN. I deleted him, I blocked him, i took him of Facebook, and deleted his number. I deleted his pictures off my computer, and I deleted his teasing messages and I took a breath to let out all the bad that had been festering inside without me ever really knowing.
I still allowed myself to be a bit sad, but not because I lost him. But because he had now lost me. I can say now this... with absolute certainty and a lack of ego. He does not deserve me.
I close today by saying goodbye. Goodbye to someone who almost was but in the end wasn't, the one who I was so close to being close with. I can't say I won't miss you, and I cant pretend I won't either. But as Rihanna once sang, "now it's time to go, curtains finally falling". I'm walking away, and I am getting on with my life. I hope you find out how to do the same.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Friday, 26 November 2010
Saturday, 20 November 2010
Confession is Good for the Soul
I don't know how the subject came up, but I was with a couple of work mates the other day and they ended up talking about all the slightly dodgy things they used to get up to at school and uni. You know the sort of thing that usually happens as a result of alcohol, hormones and sometimes just bloody audacity. Anyway one of the girls looks at me and she says she cant imagine me doing anything wrong, and that I seemed too "good". I know what she really meant was boring.
The truth is though that I tended to be just as bad as everyone else, but I was very good about keeping quiet about it. However in the spirit of confession here is a very short list of some of the more questionable things I did, and not that long ago, so I should know better.
1) Bunking off School
OK not a massive amount of naughtiness here, but then I was a little bit crafty. I used to tell my mother that I was going to be staying after school to study at the after hours programme the school was running, and I used to sign out of school citing a dentist appointment. Poor school never realised I had a dentists appointment on a weekly basis. Either that or they think I really neede a lot of work done.
2) Stole money from my Dad
Bit more vicious now. Me and my dad have a difficult relationship, but it was at it's worse when I was 16. I think he was beginning to see I was different, and I was beginning to see how much he hated the idea. My acts of rebellion were petty and they usually involved stealing from his wallet. In my defence he never noticed when I once nicked £80 out of there, which goes to show how much he had in there.
3) Never reporting an assault.
It happens when you are young and your gaydar is a little bit off, I was drunk and hit on a drunk straight boy. Drunk straight boy then broke a bottle and went for me :S. I wasn't hurt too badly, a couple of scratches mainly and the bouncers were on him like shit on Velcro in seconds. One very big and menacing looking Doorman said he had called the police and told me to just wait in the office bit. I didn't, I snuck out and went home. I did it because there was a small part of me that thought I deserved it. OK maybe not wrong in the traditional sense, but not right either.
4) Loosing my virginity on a one-night stand
That old chestnut sex. I was dating someone in uni and I psyched myself up a bit, knowing that any day now I would have sex for the first time. Problem is as it later turned out, he wasn't ready to be a "first time". So I did the typical, I drowned my sorrows in vodka and went home with the first man who showed interest. Turned out he was an insurance underwriter, and I left my watch there. It was stupid, and careless mostly because it ruined my relationship, and for a long time had me labled as "easy". It was also wrong because of just how pathetic I was, making sex so important in the first place. It still is now.....
5) Getting a former mates boyfriend into bed
Kind of self explanatory. I don't have the luxury of saying I was drunk this time. I knew what I was doing I did it anyway. Do I regret my decision, hell yes, would I do it again, hell no. Sometimes jut because you can have something, doesn't mean you should go out and take it, doesn't prove you are better, only shows you are a bigger jerk. I got a black eye for that and a serious dressing down, I think I deserved worse.
This is by no means all the stuff I could confess, I'm pretty sure that's only a fraction. But then I always get up every day and put on one sock at a time, I always try and do better next time, and never stopped trying to be as good a person as I could be. I don't always succeed, but that won't ever stop me trying.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
The truth is though that I tended to be just as bad as everyone else, but I was very good about keeping quiet about it. However in the spirit of confession here is a very short list of some of the more questionable things I did, and not that long ago, so I should know better.
1) Bunking off School
OK not a massive amount of naughtiness here, but then I was a little bit crafty. I used to tell my mother that I was going to be staying after school to study at the after hours programme the school was running, and I used to sign out of school citing a dentist appointment. Poor school never realised I had a dentists appointment on a weekly basis. Either that or they think I really neede a lot of work done.
2) Stole money from my Dad
Bit more vicious now. Me and my dad have a difficult relationship, but it was at it's worse when I was 16. I think he was beginning to see I was different, and I was beginning to see how much he hated the idea. My acts of rebellion were petty and they usually involved stealing from his wallet. In my defence he never noticed when I once nicked £80 out of there, which goes to show how much he had in there.
3) Never reporting an assault.
It happens when you are young and your gaydar is a little bit off, I was drunk and hit on a drunk straight boy. Drunk straight boy then broke a bottle and went for me :S. I wasn't hurt too badly, a couple of scratches mainly and the bouncers were on him like shit on Velcro in seconds. One very big and menacing looking Doorman said he had called the police and told me to just wait in the office bit. I didn't, I snuck out and went home. I did it because there was a small part of me that thought I deserved it. OK maybe not wrong in the traditional sense, but not right either.
4) Loosing my virginity on a one-night stand
That old chestnut sex. I was dating someone in uni and I psyched myself up a bit, knowing that any day now I would have sex for the first time. Problem is as it later turned out, he wasn't ready to be a "first time". So I did the typical, I drowned my sorrows in vodka and went home with the first man who showed interest. Turned out he was an insurance underwriter, and I left my watch there. It was stupid, and careless mostly because it ruined my relationship, and for a long time had me labled as "easy". It was also wrong because of just how pathetic I was, making sex so important in the first place. It still is now.....
5) Getting a former mates boyfriend into bed
Kind of self explanatory. I don't have the luxury of saying I was drunk this time. I knew what I was doing I did it anyway. Do I regret my decision, hell yes, would I do it again, hell no. Sometimes jut because you can have something, doesn't mean you should go out and take it, doesn't prove you are better, only shows you are a bigger jerk. I got a black eye for that and a serious dressing down, I think I deserved worse.
This is by no means all the stuff I could confess, I'm pretty sure that's only a fraction. But then I always get up every day and put on one sock at a time, I always try and do better next time, and never stopped trying to be as good a person as I could be. I don't always succeed, but that won't ever stop me trying.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Monday, 1 November 2010
Doorknob to the Future
I'll be the first to admit, that while my house has been built, I hav'nt really allowed myself to get excited about it. Call it stoicism of you like, but when it comes to the big things I try not to allow myself to get to attached to them, probably because somewhere in the back of my head I think that someones going to take it away.
I have always dreamed of having a home of my own, of being independent and standing in my own two feet. It's that dream that led me to university, and subsequently to leave home a few years later, all so that I could be alone and live the way I wanted. After all kind of hard to pull a guy and bring them home when the parents sleep just across the hall, especially since most guys I pull end up being screamers ....... !
Today I had a simple chat with the project manager, was nothing major he just wanted me to go through some pictures and decide on the doorknobs I wanted. Nothing major at all really, compared to most of the process rather simple to be frank. But in that moment when I thought about whether I want the front door to be in brass or in black, I received a premonition.
I saw myself coming home from work and opening my own door and locking it behind me. I saw myself going up stairs to my bedroom and changing clothes, and going back down to my kitchen to make a cup of tea. I was in my kitchen again making a pasta bake while listening to some music on my iPhone. I saw myself settling down with a glass of wine watching something stupid on television, chatting
with my housemates (which I don't have yet) about nothing in particular. I even see myself coming home reeking of vodka in a cab after a night out, stumbling to e door, fumbling with keys, and trying to slip in without waking anyone up.
In that moment I allowed myself to feel the excitement I normally denied myself, I could see it so clearly in my mind. And now........ I can't wait.
I have always dreamed of having a home of my own, of being independent and standing in my own two feet. It's that dream that led me to university, and subsequently to leave home a few years later, all so that I could be alone and live the way I wanted. After all kind of hard to pull a guy and bring them home when the parents sleep just across the hall, especially since most guys I pull end up being screamers ....... !
Today I had a simple chat with the project manager, was nothing major he just wanted me to go through some pictures and decide on the doorknobs I wanted. Nothing major at all really, compared to most of the process rather simple to be frank. But in that moment when I thought about whether I want the front door to be in brass or in black, I received a premonition.
I saw myself coming home from work and opening my own door and locking it behind me. I saw myself going up stairs to my bedroom and changing clothes, and going back down to my kitchen to make a cup of tea. I was in my kitchen again making a pasta bake while listening to some music on my iPhone. I saw myself settling down with a glass of wine watching something stupid on television, chatting
with my housemates (which I don't have yet) about nothing in particular. I even see myself coming home reeking of vodka in a cab after a night out, stumbling to e door, fumbling with keys, and trying to slip in without waking anyone up.
In that moment I allowed myself to feel the excitement I normally denied myself, I could see it so clearly in my mind. And now........ I can't wait.
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Why WoW is better than Real Life
OK loads of people make fun of me for playing WoW. What can I say it's a special kind of therapy, so in e spirit of fun, and maybe boredom here is my top 5 list of reasons why the World of Warcraft can be SOOOO much better than real life.
1. You get to Travel.
Life is short, money is tight, and the real world is huge. If I was to list all the many many places I wanted to travel to then this blog would be 20 pages long. When you hit the game world you realise the world is still big, but thanks to a little can do spirit you can travel the length and breadth of the game world in a few days and take in the sights. You may never get enough money to see the pyramids or the Eiffel Tower, but for your subscription fee you get to see towers, temples, cities and epic sights.
2. Money is never tight.
Except for the occasional repair bill and your subscription fee you are never going to be out of money, I work in a sometimes frustrating and often pressured job and I wish I could get a bit more for bang for my buck. When you are in the game world all the gold and silver you need is only a quest or a kill away.
3. Murder is allowed.
Odd one this, but how many times have you left the office are the parents place and seriously wanted to kill someone. Well here you are it's legal now :) and often encouraged. This is because the bad guys are actually evil, which makes life much easier, compared to real life where capital punishment alone is a subject of controversy.
4. Death is merely a set back.
Ok I know that this sort of thing is what can desensitise young people and leads to nasty columbine like incidents, but imagine how great life would be if you never really needed to worry about death. God knows I would probably be a bit more fearless in my life, and stand up to the real monsters in real life.
5. You get what you work for.
Everything you do in the game gives you a reward. Whether it's a shiny new sword, a pretty helmet or just a plain old handful of gold for your hoard you get something. We all work hard in life and very rarely is our hard work recognised and here it shows in everything you are.
Well this is my top 5. But. I do want to say that I love my real life, I love going out clubbing and hanging out with my friends. But at times like this when I am watching the pennies, and a bit sore from the break up, then a bit of me time in another world is the perfect kind of escapism.
As I sign off now my level 55 Mage needs a bit of help powerlevelling through the snowy wilds of Winterspring, and if you get that reference, feel free to drop a comment :).
Seez y'all later.
1. You get to Travel.
Life is short, money is tight, and the real world is huge. If I was to list all the many many places I wanted to travel to then this blog would be 20 pages long. When you hit the game world you realise the world is still big, but thanks to a little can do spirit you can travel the length and breadth of the game world in a few days and take in the sights. You may never get enough money to see the pyramids or the Eiffel Tower, but for your subscription fee you get to see towers, temples, cities and epic sights.
2. Money is never tight.
Except for the occasional repair bill and your subscription fee you are never going to be out of money, I work in a sometimes frustrating and often pressured job and I wish I could get a bit more for bang for my buck. When you are in the game world all the gold and silver you need is only a quest or a kill away.
3. Murder is allowed.
Odd one this, but how many times have you left the office are the parents place and seriously wanted to kill someone. Well here you are it's legal now :) and often encouraged. This is because the bad guys are actually evil, which makes life much easier, compared to real life where capital punishment alone is a subject of controversy.
4. Death is merely a set back.
Ok I know that this sort of thing is what can desensitise young people and leads to nasty columbine like incidents, but imagine how great life would be if you never really needed to worry about death. God knows I would probably be a bit more fearless in my life, and stand up to the real monsters in real life.
5. You get what you work for.
Everything you do in the game gives you a reward. Whether it's a shiny new sword, a pretty helmet or just a plain old handful of gold for your hoard you get something. We all work hard in life and very rarely is our hard work recognised and here it shows in everything you are.
Well this is my top 5. But. I do want to say that I love my real life, I love going out clubbing and hanging out with my friends. But at times like this when I am watching the pennies, and a bit sore from the break up, then a bit of me time in another world is the perfect kind of escapism.
As I sign off now my level 55 Mage needs a bit of help powerlevelling through the snowy wilds of Winterspring, and if you get that reference, feel free to drop a comment :).
Seez y'all later.
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