It's a brand new year and I have had a fair few adventures already. I went to Gran Canaria just after new years and since I got back to work I have been doing pretty well there too. Also if you have been following my twitter feed then you also know I have been writing for Sosogay.org, a great online website for gay guys.
Really it's been the fulfilment of a dream. My work is progressing. My dreams are growing, and even my appetite for adventure has gone from 0 to 60 in no time.
But then, He, came back into my life.
The last time I wrote about him I called him Fitty. He is an ex boyfriend and an occasional lover. I wrote that I was a little worried that he might start to have feelings for me and ruin our casual relationship, or worse, or budding friendship. Well it turns out I called it right on the money, the boy has feelings for me.
My first feeling when he told me was something akin to nausea. As though I had been punched in the stomach, so deep was the shock of his admission. He told me over the phone and I lost a good 3 minutes to total speechlessness. I couldn't quite will myself to speak, and all the while my heart began to *thrum* like an expertly plucked guitar string. I felt it spread and echo through me, that old and familiar chord. That aching almost pulsing and hungry gnawing in my chest. I willed with all my might to banish it so I could focus and fumble awkwardly through the rest of the conversation.
I wanted to beat myself with a stick. Worse I wanted to beat myself with...... a very big stick. I forgave Fitty for my heartbreak, but even so I am wary about the consequences of giving my heart to someone who broke it before. I could still remember clearly that night when we split up. The sound of his crying broke my heart like shattered glass, and that awful sobbing sound that ripped free from my own chest, was like the stuff of nightmares. There was fighting, and crying, then running out into the cold dark night and crumbling and curling in the shade of a worn and twisted tree, almost catatonic with my tears.
I wanted to find a way to articulate all of these feelings to the man on the other end of the phone, but he thwarted me with a few well chosen and heart felt words of his own.
"I am sorry, I know I fucked up before. But that was then, and I want to make everything up to you. Please say you will let me. Please say you will give me another chance!"
He asked me out for 1 date, to see how we feel. I said yes.
Before you judge me dear readers I ask you, what would be worse, a second chance to get your heart broken? Or a whole life lived and sometimes wondering what might of been if I had of been willing to explore the chance. If it doesn't work out, then I will always have my friend and lover still there,if it does....... Well that's a bridge to cross if and when I find it.
I sign off with a very speedy apology. I'm sorry I took so long to get another post online. Rest assured it won't be this long ever again.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
No comments:
Post a Comment