Time to Say Goodbye

Since becoming single I have noticed that my mind wanders to people I have loved and lost. But with no one is it more apparent as it is with one guy, for the purpose of the blog let's call him Ace. For nearly 3 years my mind has drifted to him and I have had that moment, that time where I think about what might of been.

Today after work I met a good mate, a mate who has seen me through a lot of bad shit in my life. And as I was there eating some nibbles he bought for the occasion (sour cream and chive pringles) and chatting about his sex life (his facvourite subject after Doctor Who, and 80's tv), it came out that he has met a new fuck buddy. Sadly all it took was one quick description for me to realise this was the boy who had occupied my thoughts off and on for so long. Ace, my Ace, not mine anymore.

I wasn't angry, not even sad, just a bit bemused. I think in that moment I saw him clearly for the first time. I saw that when I chatted to him off and on that he would only text me or say hi on MSN, if I did first. He would tease me and talk about the good old days when he was lonely. When I suggested a drink or some food, he was always conveniently away, or working or otherwise indisposed. I accepted it, and in silence I ignored his obvious flaws.

I don't know, but I think it's a personality flaw with me. I let a person in my heart, and even after they trash the place I still leave a key under the mat in the hopes that they will find their way back in. Call it low self esteem or whatever, I get it, it's pathetic.

But then why do I let it go on? Simply put, I just don't want to say goodbye. Saying goodbye means closing doors, and moving on, something I know I am not good at. Until today that is.

Today after hearing my friend talk about his passionate new playmate, I decided it's time to be the bad guy and do the right thing. I came home, and I opened my MSN. I deleted him, I blocked him, i took him of Facebook, and deleted his number. I deleted his pictures off my computer, and I deleted his teasing messages and I took a breath to let out all the bad that had been festering inside without me ever really knowing.

I still allowed myself to be a bit sad, but not because I lost him. But because he had now lost me. I can say now this... with absolute certainty and a lack of ego. He does not deserve me.

I close today by saying goodbye. Goodbye to someone who almost was but in the end wasn't, the one who I was so close to being close with. I can't say I won't miss you, and I cant pretend I won't either. But as Rihanna once sang, "now it's time to go, curtains finally falling". I'm walking away, and I am getting on with my life. I hope you find out how to do the same.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad