Daylight Savings Brain Chaos

Oh dear God I am missing my sleep :(.

My head has been a bit of a mess since the clocks went back a few days ago, my sleep is all over the place, my head has rarely stopped hurting, and all the while I feel oddly off balance and like im a beat behind from where I was last week.

How the hell is it that an hour makes all that much difference to the brain :S. I know that jet lag is meant to leave you more than a little fucked up as you travel between time zones, but even so.... 1 HOUR !!!!!! And my brain is now a fine paste coming out my ears.

Its weird, because I know that I am not the only one. Even at the office people seem oddly off balance and my poor boyfriend is having some trouble with his sleep cycle too. But all I want is a nice long sleep half the time.

Due to a need to help my brain log off my post for today will be brief as.... well, briefs i suppose. So I am off to get some rest, night night internet.

Time to get Organised !!

OK, I spent the majority of the day in a special training course which is designed to tell me how to better manage my time, and energy. It was more of a work thing but in a creepy kind of way it helped me to figure out some of the classic mistakes I have been making for years. Since one of my goals is to improve the quality of my life, I thought there would be nothing better than to clear out the cobwebs and give my pysche a quick spring clean.

One of the first points that came out of my course, was that human beings have a miraculous capacity for klutter. It comes on us in all kinds of ways, from the clothes you never wear but always keep, to the DVD's I have not watched in years, but never want to throw up. It told me that the key to finding your way to being more productive and be able to do all the things you want, the first thing that I need to do is take the Klutter out of my life. OK as much as I would love to argue with that, I know myself, and I am a natural packrat.

So with a heavy heart for many of my worldy posessions I have decided to make the time and clear out all the things I no longer want. I mean seriously I have a bookcase full of videos, who watches vidoes anymore :S. That being said I dont even have a video player. My Wardrobe is also shaking ever so slightly as the bulky jumpers and ancient clothes which have survived many a culling, now know that their time has come.

I have a lot of things to get through in the next couple of weeks, mostly when it comes to my boyfriend meeting my whole family for the first time (both insanely nervous) but once that is out of the way I am going to work my way through the mess and give me that blank canvas I need to start painting my life into existance.

The Lost Weekend :(

Maybe this is part of my whole mid-mid-life crisis but I am beginning to wonder of the seconds are running along faster, especially at the weekends. No sooner than I do a couple of the jobs that I had schedules to do today than all of a sudden the sun has gone to bed, and so must I (mentally slapping myself for quoting Sound of Music).

It was one of those days that's sluggish to start, so I decided to stay in bed for an extra hour, downside was that I forgot it was daylight savings so ended up staying in bed for two hours without meaning too. But the second I got up I realised there was still a dull ache from yesterdays exertions. Still I soldiered on and pit a load in the wash and stripped the bed. Of course as soon as I made my presence known I ended up on babysiting duty, but that was fine by me since I had nothing else to do.

Then I ended up sitting on eBay looking at random stuff trying to make a list of all the things that I would need for when the house was ready. It was daunting when inreally thought about all the little things I would need for my home. I must admit I still have that odd twinge of excitement, thinking about my knives and forks and towels, which means I am either becoming a proud home owner, or a slightly nutty one.

Still the day passed surprisingly fast between the wash and the child minding, and then the lengthy ironing session with True Blood playing in the background and a nice big Sunday roast to round of the evening.

Even as I write this I guess this is not one of my more exciting posts, that being said this is a weekend, and I have needed to have some rest for once.

Feeling Battered and Bruised

Like most people who think a little too much and spend a lot of time indoors I am not that good at workig with my hands, well not outdoors anyway. (Yes I went there and did a masturbation joke, are you happy internet....).

Unfortunately there was plenty of work to do today in the plot that is soon to become my house. I knew it was a big thing to demolish and rebuild a house to make it mine, but somehow the idea of the completed project overrode my worries. Of course perhaps I was being more than a little naieve.

Because of the work today I had to cut down my weekend time with Lee short, I was not thrilled about the idea of loosing any precious time with him, especially since my last post.... But he understood and I mentally promised myself that I would cook him dinner when I saw him next. Anywho I got home around 12 and after I changed into some old clothes (a long sleved shirt and really old jeans) I went with my father and older brother.

As I said. I am not good at outdoor work in the slightest, what I have yet to mention is that my brother works in construction, and my father as a la dlord pretty much know everything there is to know about this field. Which is good because as I was about to proove I did not have a clue. They both knew this of course, but that did not stop them from making me feel bad about the things I did not know.

I know Ignorance is not a Defence, But it is not a Crime either.

Still i went to work with as much gusto I could manage. And even though I got a fair few looks of disappointment from the two men in my family, I am to used to it now, so it doesn't bug me. The main job today was the clearing of the area, and putting up fencing to mark the area off from the rest of the nearby park, once done then we could demolish the old shell of the house and begin construction.

It was honest and good work, but by the end of it every muscle seemed to be screaming at me and threatening to sue me, unless working standards improved. But after the ribbing I had from my brother about being such a runt I was unwilling to take any breaks, trying to focus only on doing the job, and doing it right.

Then, as you would expect in my clockwork universe, it started raining. Not heavily of course but still not the kind of weather you would want to stand outside in. Then I slipped a fair few times, with one memorable trip causing my leg to get stuck in the remnants of the old chain link fence and needing my brother to pull me free. But I wasn't hurt, only my ego stung, ( my pride having sensibly moved out a decade ago).

By the end of it there were arguments, like there always is. But I went home happily, and slipped on my earphones and listened to some comfort music (Celine Dion and Scissor Sisters) and felt all my muscles whine about the cruel treatment.

There is probably more to do tomorrow, but I am trying not to think that far ahead. Instead I am trying to think further.l trying to see the finished home in my head. My slice of the world. It's a pleasant thought and hats what keeps me going.

My Mid-Mid-Life Crisis

It does not take much to make me thoughtful, and takes only slightly more than that to make me worry. My friend Kev often says I think a little too much. But I never really spent much time thinking about the finality of life. But yesterday as I was tucking in to lunch at my office canteen, I realised I at the not so tender age of 22, I could very well be a quarter of the way through my life.

The thought made me shiver slightly, I don't usually think about death, or getting older, anymore than I think about spring becoming summer, it's just always been something that happens in the background. But in that moment of clarity, with a fork halfway to my mouth, I saw the next 22 years stretching out ahead of me like my life flashing before my eyes. I must say it looked rather boring, and my work seemed to feature prominently in it all.

Without realising it I had become a career focused kind of dude. And possibly neglecting all the fun that I could be having, and really should be having. I think my life is out of balance, and I need to start enjoying myself a little mrs, especially with my boyfriend, who is probably sick of me acting like a stress head all the time.

I woke ip this morning and did my hair in a different way(not much but it's a start), tried smiling more too, and trying to think of all the things I want to do. I have some holiday comin up too so it seems the perfect time to pull myself back into myself. So I sign off with a positive note. I am not ready for my life to be done, when it feels like it's only jet begun.

The Family Invasion

I am not what you would call a typical family man, sure I have a family, and in my own way I love each and every one of them. However, after living on my own for such a long time, I now find my parents to be a massive hindrance to my existance, and it doesnt help that we live out in the country and I can't drive so the chance to get out doesnt come by often.

Now that is just my parents, but I have siblings too, A grown up brother and sister who are both 10 years older than me and have families of their own. Now my brother and his soon to be wife and daughter live here too, there is a good deal of activity going on at all times. But now we have a new set of mouths to feed.

In the process of moving house my sister and her husband and their two kids have moved in too. So right now we are all stacked in a little too tightly in my parents house, and I silently thank god we have two bathrooms or I think I would loose my mind.

Like I said I love my family, but usually that love comes from knowing I dont need to be near them that often, now for the first time in years we are all under the same roof, and the stress is definately showing. Everyone is a little bit quick to anger and irritable right now, myself included.

Last night was a perfect example of underlying stress, My mum was looking after my sisters daughter, which unfortunately meant that dinner got burnt because she was attending to her every time she dropped her dolly out of the highchair. The dog (which is a Massive Alaskan Malamute) kept trying to eat the baby and when we let him out he refused to come in from the garden. My mother at this point was getting a bad back from bending over to pick up said dolly. Then my nephew starts whining because he wants to watch Ben10, so my sister starts yelling at him to stop whining. My Brother in law hurt his back moving boxes so he needs to stay as still as possible (conveniant injust I know), and my dad by that point is making sure my nephew doesnt spill his crisps on the floor. Meanwhile I help out here and there with the odd bit of child minding, which usually involves me being hit with something made of styrophome.

By the end of it there was a lot of wine after the kids had gone to bed. To be honest I dont blame them at all. But tempers are strained. Thank god its only for a week. I do seriously miss living on my own now, life was so much more simple then.

A Geeky Moment....

Ok I will be the first to admit that I am a massive fanatic for all things geeky, this stretches out to my love of films, tv, books and vide games. What can I say I never got over my childhood love of stories. Of course that being said I did not expect my whole evening to be taken up by the twilight saga.

I just got the next film off of iTunes and having seen it at the cinema with my bf, I still found it a good film. The problem is that as a natural geek I never do anything by halves so ended up readin the books and randomly browsing the trailer for he next film even though I have already seen it.

I bet you read and are thinkng GEEK in capital letter and exclamation points, ah well guess that's me then.

I must say though that sometimes we all just need a geeky moment, after all those tend to be the moments which help us get through an otherwise very boring existance. Though hopefully nex time I have a geeky mention I will stick to something a little more traditional. Maybe even Halo :) x

Pitfalls of the Office Gay

There are all kinds of common issues that I as a gay man need to deal with when working at my office. I have to deal with the odd joke here or there, but largely my sexuality never tends to enter the workplace. Mostly this down to spectacular self control on my part. Nothing major, just avoiding certain conversations and keeping my answers to direct questions brief and to the point. Essentially I avoid anything that might show me up. Of course there are some situations where I really do have to think about it.

I had one such experience today. It was nothing major, just one of the guys I work with was walking around with his fly down. That's when the internal debate begins. At this point no one else has notices the dangling zip, so I could simply turn to him and tell him about his little problem. Simple Right? Wrong. Problem with that is what if he thinks I was scoping him out when I noticed the fly? Would he think I was leering?

First thing you have to know is that this guy is a nice guy, but ever so slightly dim, and so not my type. Now he however is one of those guys with a big mouth and the dim bulb might jump to an insane wrong conclusion. So my decision was made, I would let him discover the problem on his own.

Silent minutes pass and he does nothing, I am amazed no one has spotted his zip yet, not least of which was because he was wearing tight orange pants, and yes I will need to burn my eyes after that. Now like I said, he is a nice guy and I start to feel bad, I know he will get no end of greif if someone else catches qnglimpse of his shame.

Finally I relent, I wait till he goes to the filing cabinet and I chase him up. I try to be diplomatic, I say XYZ. Sadly poor dim boy kisses the point and thinks I'm talking about his filing system. Finally, I could take it no more and I just tell him his fly is down. He looks at me blanky as he fills in the gaps in his head. And with mental triumph he finally looks down. All he can say is whoops, all I can say is, I wasn't looking scouts honour. He just smiles says thanks and walks on. Another crisis averted and no embarrassing repurcussions..... Why do I make such a Drama out of my life :S

Success Envy

Freud was the one who coined the phrase penis envy, and opened up a whole world of penis jokes to a waiting world. The underlying basis of his theory is that everyone is obsessed with having a penis, in men it translates as wanting a larger penis, especially if they feel unsatisfied with what they have. It is also pretty relevant that Freud was a well documented cocaine user so his theories may sometimes need to be taken with a pinch of salt.

But heres the rub, I believe that there is some validity to old Sigmunds theory. Except I dont think it applies only to the anatomy. I think that each and every person out there has what I like to call "Success Envy". This is where men and women may hear about the successes of their friends, or relatives and then feel envious that their own careers/personal lives/marriages are not as good as their friends/coworkers/relatives.

Think about it readers, you know what I am talking about.

It happened to me just a few days ago. I was out during my lunch break and ended up meeting an old ex boyfriend in the street. A few short minutes later and I find that while I have been working hard plugging away at the office, he has been promoted and is now the head of his own department. I am sure he didnt mean to, but it almost felt like he was rubbing my nose in his success, I left the meeting feeling decidedly "Meh". (I should say I have not invented a word for this feeling, but in time I will).

The thing is I know that our jobs are widely different, he was in retail, I was in the financial sector. Still I could not help but feel taken aback and suddenly I looked at my own job and thought, why arent I more than what I am? Which is weird because in my own mind I know I am doing a really good job, but promotion has not been possible for me due to the current climate.

Thing is, is it just me? or is this a pretty common feeling with people? Feel free to comment guys would love to hear an opinion on this.

Im going on Holiday, YAY

OK me and the boyfriend are planning on taking our first holiday together, which is weirdly enough already one of the most exciting prospects of my year. I was shocked that I, a known world traveller, having visited almost every corner of the globe (even though a globe has not got any corners) would be so excited by the prospect of a week in Centreparks. Yet amazingly, thinking about it makes me insanely happy.

It all started with a minor irritation, nothing major just a bunch of pests. And if you think you know what I'm talking about get your head out of the gutter, because the pests in question, are the mutual families. I love my bf's family but sometimes they do get on my nerves, especially if all I want is a niced romantic night in with my man. Same is true of my family, that is if my bf was as readily accepted but thats an entirely different story.

The Boyfriend and I decided that what we really wanted was some uninterrupted alone time, to vanish off the grid and just spend some time together. So suddenly there was Centreparks. He had been before, though I had not, and the second I told him that he was determined to take my Centreparks virginity. He has made it sound brilliant, some activites for us to do and spending the rest of our time just him and me.

This will be my first holiday where I have not been with the parents, so I am excited about being able to do whatever me and my guy want to do. Trip is not planned to go until October, but even so its an amazing prospect to look forward to, Me, My Boyfriend, and more than enough activites to keep us entertained for a week.

The Proud iPhone owner, aka Mr. App Happy

I am one of those people who most people look at with simaltaneous jelousy and disdain, not because i am smart and attractive and thin, (thats besides the point) but because I am an iPhone user. Never before since mobile phones launched has their been a single phone that has made everyone feel so conflicted, owned by many, wanted by more. Of course there are always those who want to spoil the fun, they usually sit like the angel on your shoulder and say, "Its not really the special, its just hyped up, any other phone can do what it does". Well to those people I say, bugger off and Play with your Motorola RAZR, and leave us in peace.

Of course I have noticed that since I bought the iPhone, not only have I not stopped playing with it since I got it, but the inclusion of the App Store has made my day. There is an App for every little thing, an app to organise my day, an app to calculate tips at restaurants, an app that keeps note of your meetings/appointments. Of course then it gets strange, an app that counts down the days till christmas, an app that gives you train times, an app that calls your car insurance provider and tells them you have had a crash.

Its amazing how I never knew I needed any of this stuff until I saw I could get all of it on my phone, for free, or next to no cost.

So everyone, embrace the apps, and very soon there will probably be an app which tells you what apps you need, and an app that tells you the meaning of life. Which is probably still 42.

The Joy of Procrastination, and other guilty pleasures

Raise your hand if you are one of those cool people who like to leave everything to the last minute.

Well guess what ladles and gentlespoons, you are not alone. I am a top player in this sport, and like all great talents I started it when I was very young.

I was very much a child of the new millenium, which meant my closest friends growing up were TV, Computer, and his cool younger brother Playstation. Not an uncommon thing in this day and age, but it did mean that my personal time was eaten away faster than a piece of cheese in a rat cage. Normally it was homework that was the first to suffer. I sang the anthem of the procrastinating pro, "I will get to it in just a minute", and then I learned the tactic of being able to do homework that should really take an hour or to, and do it in 20 mins flat and make the teacher thing I was a fine student so much that they looked over some of the more obvious mistakes.

Oh yes, I was a child prodigy at the age of 10, and moving my way through school only got easier.

But it wasnt just school that my masterful talent aided me in. The twin demons of housework and ironing were beat into submission fast, and I soon realised I had all the time in the world. Exams, Coursework, Christmas Shopping, Birthday Shopping, and doctors and dentist appointments, I was a pro.

Problem was that I learned that my guilty pleasure had one hell of a cost, and it only seemed to hit me when i was in was in my late teens. I had grown up under the assumption that I had all the time in the world, and now I realised that time was the only thing any one person really has, and mine was up. It hit me with the finality of a rock rolling down a steep hill, you want more than anything to pull it back, but momentum was already built up and now all you can do is watch it slip further and faster away.

I started doing things with my life, even if they were only the dull jobs that make up a life. I did my washing, before the laundry basket was overflowing, I cooked a meal for one, without using the microwave. The XBOX360 went off for a while, and so did the TV. I went out to lunch with friends, and indluged in a shopping trip or two. I did my chores without complaint and before I knew it my rush of getting away with it was replaced by some other emotion, getting the job done, a somewhat more hollow version of that old rush, but still good.

Now I cant get enough of doing the things I should be doing, even if they are rather dull to the outward observer. If I had to explain the unusual pleasure of doing my own washing and ironing I bet you would think i was insane, because seeing this written down, I already think I am.

Dont for a second think that I am a retired procrastinator though, I occassionaly dust of my old gear and the anthems of "Not right now, but by the end of the day" are still quick to cross the mind and the tongue. But I like to think I am now merely a semi-retired procrastinator, which seems to be ironic in more ways than one.

Still as I write I can hear that my current load of washing is done, and ready to be transferred to the dryer. And what kind of new leaf would I have turned over if I did not attend to it as soon as possible.

Records, or an annyoung excuse to make a blog?

When I write on a blog for the first time I am always wondering about how other people start theirs. I am currently sitting on my bed with my laptop in hand, thinking of all the things I could write about, of course when it comes to actually writing my fingers take on a form of keyboard based babble that frankly is embarrassing to behold.

In short I know that I want to write about me, my life, and thei things that go on in my life, and the opinions that i have about the way things are going in the world.I am sure that other people find the exercise of writing about the base munitia of their lives to be relaxing, but with me it creates a sense of anxiety. A part of me wonders if anyone will take an interest in the sometimes normal, sometimes abnormal way I seem to go about my life. Does anyone really care what a semi-faceless nobody in the south of essex thinks?

Then I realised the most important thing. No one has to care, but the important part is that I share. And yes, I am aware that rhymes and I am sure that it will be a useful bumper sticker for therapists and a handy notice to hang on a confession booth.

I think that the important part of what I am trying to do here, is to be entirely selfish, after all this is a blog about me, and anyone who would ever know me in real life would know that i dont often make much of a show of whats really going through my head. Seriously, I am so emotionally repressed that sometimes I need to remind myself what I should be feeling, which can be really annoying at weddings, christenings and funerals, especially when I get the emotions mixed up.

So why write a blog, why not invest in a diary??? Well I am developing a theory that anyone who has a diary, subconciously wants someone else to read it, otherwise they wouldnt have to be made so private and alluring in the first place. So a blog seemed like the best way to cut out the middle man, not that the middle man doesnt have his place but a good snip is sometimes called for.

Well I can see that my fingers have been rambling incessently already and I have barely even started. Still I have plenty to write about, and maybe in time, there will be plenty of people to read. Fingers and firmly crossed, and ego is firmly placed on the chopping block.