Memory Lane

The date is not set in stone, but it looks like I will be moving out in a matter of weeks. The house is nearly finished and I am just waiting for the final inspections to take place and then I will be out of my parents house..... at last.

However, as I sit and start to box up my life again I am beginning to feel the weight of the change beginning to settle in. I'm going to be paying a mortgage, I'm going to be paying bills, i am even going to have a tumble dryer. In a sick way I feel like an adult for the first time since I moved back home, and suddenly all my memories are more vivid and powerful than ever.

I'm in the middle right now of clearing out and throwing out all of my unwanted things and boxing up the stuff I want to keep and move over to the new house. However, its become a bit of an emotional minefield, with every other item throwing up another set of memories, good and bad.

This morning while I was clearing out my wardrobe I found my old school sports bag. It packed with two pairs of jeans and some shirts and a battered pair of trainers. I remembered I packed it at 16 when I tried to run away from home after yet another row with my mother, I never left but it was never unpacked. Right next to it was a bottle of vodka, emptied when I drank every night to get over the pain of first love. When I looked at my bookcase I still saw a glass rose he gave me for our first valentines together, it has the word "Forever" carved into the base, sadly the relationship didn't last quite as long. In the bed side cabinets I found my old black and white mobile I got after pestering my parents for nearly a month, then the coloured one I got to replace it about a year later. Old Christmas cards from my grandparents, who are now almost all gone, were tucked in the drawer under my bed, often never read once I extracted the money from them.

Childhood art projects that are little more than sketches, much loved and battered books, clothes I'll never wear again. I see the truth that most people seem to want to ignore. We as a species are emotional pack rats, and it's not just objects that clutter up our lives. Every item is a memory, every memory is a feeling, and every feeling still feels as deep, as painful and as beautiful as they were when we first felt them.

Is it any wonder that we can't bear to part with even the most mundane and awful things that fill up our cupboards and drawers.

I found one of my old school notebooks, half filled with my Law class notes, but mostly filled with doodles and badly drawn penises.... or is it peni for the plural. A shoe box filled with pictures and souvenirs from almost forgotten holidays, most of which in hated at the time. I found the suicide note my mother once wrote after a bad bout of whiskey induced depression. She survived but I kept it to remember how angry she made me, and I wouldn't ever think it was my fault.

After an hour of digging through my memories I decided it was best I stopped. There are only so many scars I can reopen before I need a break.

Not all of my memories are bad though sometimes those are the ones that stand out. I still have pictures of happy times with my ex who I'm lucky enough to still talk to. Old cloakroom tickets from amazing nights out with my uni mates. Ticket stubs from some of my favourite London shows. Everything comes back to me so easily the more I dig through.

It reminds me of the importance of my past in how it has shaped me so far. As I now move out and move on, I look forward to my future, and all the other opportunities to make more memories, good, bad, and both together.

Confessions of Another Shopaholic

I think that we all have an addiction to something. For some people its drugs, sometimes it's drink, or even food. But addiction isn't confined to just these substances, and if you believe some of the hysteria in the press it is possible to be addicted to almost anything.

For me it has become shopping.

I know what you are thinking, it's such a cliche really. Surely its impossible to be addicted to shopping itself, I tell myself this when I go out on a spending binge. This eventually led to me spending my £1,000 overdraft in 1 months and skipping dinner more than one night in a row because I simply couldn't afford it. This was years ago though, and I comforted myself with the idea that every student is like that, spending on outs and clothes, books and CD's. I mean if everyone is like that then there is nothing wrong, right ?

Now that I'm a few years older, and a few years wiser (I hope) I am a lot more together than I was. But the other day I realised that every time my life felt a little "bleak" the first thing I wanted to do was go out and go on a very very expensive shopping spree. Some people say you can't buy happiness, I say that we have much better stores now, and happiness can be found in ignoring your bank balance and loosing yourself to a little reckless spending.

My latest binge was on Friday. I had dinner plans with a really good mate, one of my efforts of kicking my social life into touch. This mate was also due to come out shopping with me and one of my other mates on Saturday and he was driving me up to the massive shopping centre on the other end of the county to help me out with picking some furniture for my new house. A relief for me a chronic non driver.

10 minutes before I leave the office on Friday I get that horrible text you always dread. He met someone, it was oust at first sight so he wasn't coming out for dinner. He also wasn't driving the next day because he anticipated a heavy night of what he referred to as a "sausage casserole", classy eh?

Now I was disappointed. After all work was stressful, the house is stressful. Me worrying about how I'm going to pay my mortgage and rent out rooms to tenants is always playing on my mind these days. These dinners or nights out help me get out of myself and get me back to thinking clearly. I was also so fucked off that he left it to the last moment to tell me. And cancelling because of his newest playmate ?? I mean how bad is that ?

I stewed all the way home, and when I got in front of my computer I tried to make myself feel better by binging in on some music from iTunes. £100 in 20 minutes on music and films later I felt loads better. And now I'm addicted to the idea of buying a £2,000 laptop when I already have one that works. Now tell me there isn't a problem ......

Socrates himself once said "everything in moderation... including moderation". It's an easy enough quote to understand which tells us to not let ourselves get carried away with extremes or excesses. I am sitting here thinking that they should print those on the receipts from Topman and the Apple store, give little old Shopaholics like me a much needed guilt trip.


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Friends and Lovers

Compared to most people, I like to think I am a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to romance. Even if I am not so traditional when it comes to my sexuality.

It's the whole Disney Fairytale thing that I was raised with. That cosmic idea at there is one person in all the world that you are destined for..... usually with a lot of talking animal friends which you would only see in real life with the assistance of very powerful narcotics. Either way you went through life knowing the difference, your friends were your friends, and your lovers were usually princes with lots of money and a palace in the nice part of town.

Now as I have gotten older I have accepted that sometimes the lines get blurred.... usually beyond recognition. This has happened to me before too and even though most times it has been good, other times it has left me wanting something I know I shouldn't. At the end of the day I'm wondering if it's really healthy.

The reason I wonder this is because of one guy, as usual he will have an alias, and this time it's Fitty. Obvious reason for this, he is hot as hades in summer, plus for a private and slightly twisted secret in joke.

Anyway Fitty and I go back, in fact we were together for a very long time in my early 20's and we fell fast and hard. Now obviously it didn't work out, it was too perfect, and we ended up just being friends. Which later became friends with benefits....

I won't lie, the sex is unbelievable. The talking is still as deep and meaningful as it ever was too. Really he is like a secret boyfriend who only comes out when we are both single and in that kind of mood. But the reason I worry is that I am not sure what I prefer in this awkward set up, the friend who I have sex with, or the lover who is my friend.

The other day he started off my saying how I was a brilliant lay, and a great person. Which is all true..... but it sounds a little bit like the line is blurring with him as well. Back when we first split up, this would of been great. Now though..... it's not.

Maybe I'm going against my Disney upbringing, but I don't want to settle anymore, I want to be free and to enjoy my life instead of tying myself down to someone who has already broken my heart once. Maybe some lines once blurred can never go back to the way they were. Or maybe in should just shut the fuck up and enjoy the great sex........

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Identity Theft: The Tragedy of a Relationship

Do relationships mean the end of your own personal identity? As a single man coming out of a long term relationship I am beginning to think so.

In my experiences relationships come in one of 2 categories. Some are like Fireworks, the are exciting, they explode in a fiery collection of vibrant colours, but when they are over it's like they never existed. But then you have some relationships that are like houses, there's a lot of lead up, a lot of planning, it's slow to build up, but you can build a whole life around it.

The problem with the latter type is that when you get too far in then suddenly you start to loose yourself to them. The 'I' becomes the royal 'we'. I have done this myself, I would talk about a movie and say "we loved that film" or "we thought that cinema was a dive". Doesn't sound awful does it, but it's usually only the start.

Don't get me wrong it isn't a bad thing to do things together. Hell, one of the fun parts of dating is doing lots of stuff together. The problem only really comes in when you start to itch for your own space again, and your own opinion. I have seen this happen to friends, and it's sad. I went to one recently snatched up mate and asked him about his plans for new years. He said he would check with his boyfriend, or to use his actual words "I make sure it is OK with him"...... I am sorry but what the FUCK is with that?!? If you want to do it, do it, if you don't, then don't. bring the boyfriend or don't, and so what if you fly solo? You don't need to be attached at the hip, and if

But then sometimes they are and that's even more disturbing.

You ever see a long term couple in a club? I saw one recently and they were wearing matching colour coordinated outfits *gag*, stayed to the side of the dance floor all night, and stared at all the singles as if they were superior? Normally it doesn't bug me, I have been in a relationship before and probably committed the same cardinal sins. But this time all it does is make me think how pathetic the "modern" couple has become.

Maybe this is only me but a real relationship is not about two people trying to become a single person. I think it's about two different people coming together and staying together, celebrating the things that make them unique. The second you see yourself as a couple, and not a person in a couple, I think it's time to be worried.

Maybe I'm wrong what do you think? Does the royal "we" take precedence to the common "I" or should there be a peoples revolution to give people back their Independence, and their right to their own lives?

My Gay Adventure

OK if you have been an avid reader you will remember that my ex and I were due to go on holiday together as a couples retreat. We booked it all up back when things were all new and still exciting, and I didnt go after we decided to call it quits a few months ago. He went with his lesbian mate Kylie, and I stayed at home with mother..... drinking.... sad isnt it. Well to be honest it was nice to have time to myself, and time to focus on my house which has almost taken shape in the last few weeks. Also got my money back from the ex..... or i will do after some mild torture.... Bring me my Whip!!!

Now I am not what you would call a natural adventurer, in fact if I was in an action movie I woule be the poor bespectacled librarian type who dies first.But I missed the idea of having a bit of a mini-adventure... I always wanted to have one, just never found the time and the money for it.

Then something extraordinary happened.

One of my best mates called me up and said he was going on holiday, off to Gran Canaria, the gay capital of the world.... after San Francisco, but before Brighton. Now normally in such situations I say I will think about it and will subconciously hope the invite goes away since I never get the chance to do it. But..... this time I decided I need a change, so instead of shaking my head and saying no, I emphatically nodded and said a slightly scared and excited YES!!!! So before I had a chance to take a breath I was booked into a private bungalow in a gay resort.

Now right after this happened my brain started to go into overdrive. I realised all too quickly that I needed to loose 10,000 pounds, get a six pack, and possibly highlights if I was going to fit in on my first holiday in 5 years. I also realised I would need swimwear, new underwear, cologne and a secret stash of condoms..... well you never know ':-/ .

Truth is I am not really as neurotic as my lat paragraph would have you believe. I really am excited and cant wait to go. But I look at the pictures of the resort, and all I see are hot gym fit bodies and perfect hair and teeth. I'm not perfect, I'm not even close, but I want to look my best for my one week in paradise.

So here is the deal. I have 1 month untill I fly out, i have started eating healthier, and I am doing special ab tightening yoga (which is painful and looks embarrasing, but has resultS), and I am off out shopping in soho for some sex on a stick underwear that will hopefully make me *sizzle* in the hot climate.

Tell me the truth, is it wrong to be this excited over one week in January? Or will this be the adventure that movies and trashy airport novels are made of. I can promise you I will be emphatically blogging throughout my adventure, but bear with me in the lead up, I might be unbearable. ;)

You're a Good Man Jim

Call me weird if you like but I like taking the bus to work sometimes, usually for the same reason I like trains, and planes, it exposes you to a lot of life. I can quite happily sit there with my iPhone buds in, listening to Nicole Sherzingers Poison on a low volume and do a nice round of people watching on the way to work. On this one day I'm glad I did, because otherwise I would of missed something simple, yet heartwarming.

Now as you can imagine, every bus has its share of odd characters, you have your commuters like me, your heavily pierced students, the old couple going to visit the doctor, even your odd functional alcoholic who stumbles past with the unmistakable scent of whisky hanging about her slightly battered bag. But there is one chap who you cant help but notice, if only because you are trying not too.

I am going to call him Jim for a variety of reasons. One is that I am aiming for anonymity (so I cant get in trouble), another is that he has an uncanny resemblance to the actor who plays Jim Branning from Eastenders. Mainly it's because I don't know his real name, and it's too difficult to tell a story without one.

Now Jim is an older man who uses my bus. He walks with a pronounced limp, and always wears the same slightly stained anorak every time I see him. He shuffles along to his seat slowly after showing his pass with his head permanently looking to the floor. He has some mental problems too, though I couldn't tell you what exactly, he only lifts his head to say a rapid rehearsed sentence before letting it drop down to stare intently at his own feet. Whenever I see him it is usually in the company of a carer of sorts with a visibility coat on, and an official looking pass dangling at his waist. But sometimes I see him on his own, braving the cold and the rain to take the bus into town.

I sometimes like to pretend he has made an escape of sorts, and that maybe in the recesses of his slightly different mind he is having his own private adventure. I like that idea personally because I can see my own grandmother doing the same, and when I really look I realise there is not much difference in their ages.

Now on this one particularly cold and bitter day I was sat near the front of the bus and he at the back when the driver stopped in the middle of a busy main road. I could tell there was a single mum there with what looked like one toddler in one hand a pram in the other, which in turn was precariously balancing some bulging shopping bags. It was clear to everyone that she was having some trouble, trying to manoeuvre her various baggages onto the bus, and we were sat there for a while watching her struggle.

It was then that out of the corner of my eye I saw Jim get up!

He shuffled out of his chair and made for the door in his usual manner, with his head facing down and his hands brought up and knotted together as if in prayer. Without a word he reached down and picked up the bottom of the buggy to help the mum push it in and up the steep first step. The mother saw the obvious and tried to insist that she could manage, but bless Jim he wanted to be a help. He got the pram onto bus and even gave the girl some change when she started trying to fuss over her own purse. It was clear that she was speechless at the unsolicited help, but grateful. I distinctly heard the phrase "real gentleman" at which point dear old Jim bobbed his head and smiled at the floor.

It turned out that the single mum and her brood were only in need of a bus for 2 stops, and no sooner had she sat down, than she was up again. Jim was too, to help her on the way out. The girl was gobsmacked, as were a couple of other nameless faces on my bus, I was too as a matter of fact. One of the more gutsy students in the back row even clapped, at which point Jim lifted his head for a quick "Thank ya suh" before shuffling back to his seat again.

It got off the bus feeling surprisingly upbeat. When I thought about it, I knew it was because of Jim. I don't think he intended to give an old cynic like me some faith in the human condition, I think he just saw someone who needed help and helped them, probably the way he was taught to do when he was a boy in an old bygone time when such things were meant to be more common. I wondered about how we tell ourselves about how people like Jim are vulnerable, and need to be cared for. We then spend all our time gradually pretending they don't exist, safe in the knowledge the somehow, somewhere they are being looked after. Yet here he was helping a relatively capable, albeit overwhelmed woman without invitation or even an incentive of reward. It's a nice feeling to think that in some places, with some people that kind of behaviour is still considered a positive.

I am signing off today by saying that I believe we could all learn a lesson from the Jim's of the world, all we need to do is pay attention.


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Reigniting my Social Life

In the good old days of yore, when a young lady/boy/ladyboy reached an age they used to have a big party in an effort to launch themselves into society. These were called debuts, and more recently coming out parties.

The joyful pun you could make out of this is simply too good to resist, so I say I want one now too. I want to have my coming out party, not to "come out of the closet" but to get back out there a little. If I am to be launched however I think it should be like the launch of an intercontinental ballistic missile. Big, flashy, exciting, a little scary, and leaving destruction, chaos and screaming in my wake.

In the spirit of getting back out there I am plotting my return to being a single man on the scene. Sure money is tight, but hell, life is meant to be lived, not to be wasted watching Desperate Housewives (even though I do love that show).

So what's the plan? I guess starting small, maybe some dinner with mates, a drink in a bar after work here and there. Gatecrash a party or two if I'm brave/drunk enough. Then back to my good old clubbing self which I said goodbye to when I was 19, and then the sky is the limit...... Or more literally, my bank balance is the limit.....

OK I get it, I am 4 years older (maybe 2 years wiser) and I have to be responsible too. Well its something I care about, so I will have to try and find the time.

Signing off today I have just text my mate to get some dinner plans on the go, and organised 2 shopping trips with some good mates. Then maybe a trip up to my beloved London for some much needed hustle and bustle in the big city.

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Time to Say Goodbye

Since becoming single I have noticed that my mind wanders to people I have loved and lost. But with no one is it more apparent as it is with one guy, for the purpose of the blog let's call him Ace. For nearly 3 years my mind has drifted to him and I have had that moment, that time where I think about what might of been.

Today after work I met a good mate, a mate who has seen me through a lot of bad shit in my life. And as I was there eating some nibbles he bought for the occasion (sour cream and chive pringles) and chatting about his sex life (his facvourite subject after Doctor Who, and 80's tv), it came out that he has met a new fuck buddy. Sadly all it took was one quick description for me to realise this was the boy who had occupied my thoughts off and on for so long. Ace, my Ace, not mine anymore.

I wasn't angry, not even sad, just a bit bemused. I think in that moment I saw him clearly for the first time. I saw that when I chatted to him off and on that he would only text me or say hi on MSN, if I did first. He would tease me and talk about the good old days when he was lonely. When I suggested a drink or some food, he was always conveniently away, or working or otherwise indisposed. I accepted it, and in silence I ignored his obvious flaws.

I don't know, but I think it's a personality flaw with me. I let a person in my heart, and even after they trash the place I still leave a key under the mat in the hopes that they will find their way back in. Call it low self esteem or whatever, I get it, it's pathetic.

But then why do I let it go on? Simply put, I just don't want to say goodbye. Saying goodbye means closing doors, and moving on, something I know I am not good at. Until today that is.

Today after hearing my friend talk about his passionate new playmate, I decided it's time to be the bad guy and do the right thing. I came home, and I opened my MSN. I deleted him, I blocked him, i took him of Facebook, and deleted his number. I deleted his pictures off my computer, and I deleted his teasing messages and I took a breath to let out all the bad that had been festering inside without me ever really knowing.

I still allowed myself to be a bit sad, but not because I lost him. But because he had now lost me. I can say now this... with absolute certainty and a lack of ego. He does not deserve me.

I close today by saying goodbye. Goodbye to someone who almost was but in the end wasn't, the one who I was so close to being close with. I can't say I won't miss you, and I cant pretend I won't either. But as Rihanna once sang, "now it's time to go, curtains finally falling". I'm walking away, and I am getting on with my life. I hope you find out how to do the same.

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Confession is Good for the Soul

I don't know how the subject came up, but I was with a couple of work mates the other day and they ended up talking about all the slightly dodgy things they used to get up to at school and uni. You know the sort of thing that usually happens as a result of alcohol, hormones and sometimes just bloody audacity. Anyway one of the girls looks at me and she says she cant imagine me doing anything wrong, and that I seemed too "good". I know what she really meant was boring.

The truth is though that I tended to be just as bad as everyone else, but I was very good about keeping quiet about it. However in the spirit of confession here is a very short list of some of the more questionable things I did, and not that long ago, so I should know better.

1) Bunking off School

OK not a massive amount of naughtiness here, but then I was a little bit crafty. I used to tell my mother that I was going to be staying after school to study at the after hours programme the school was running, and I used to sign out of school citing a dentist appointment. Poor school never realised I had a dentists appointment on a weekly basis. Either that or they think I really neede a lot of work done.

2) Stole money from my Dad

Bit more vicious now. Me and my dad have a difficult relationship, but it was at it's worse when I was 16. I think he was beginning to see I was different, and I was beginning to see how much he hated the idea. My acts of rebellion were petty and they usually involved stealing from his wallet. In my defence he never noticed when I once nicked £80 out of there, which goes to show how much he had in there.

3) Never reporting an assault.

It happens when you are young and your gaydar is a little bit off, I was drunk and hit on a drunk straight boy. Drunk straight boy then broke a bottle and went for me :S. I wasn't hurt too badly, a couple of scratches mainly and the bouncers were on him like shit on Velcro in seconds. One very big and menacing looking Doorman said he had called the police and told me to just wait in the office bit. I didn't, I snuck out and went home. I did it because there was a small part of me that thought I deserved it. OK maybe not wrong in the traditional sense, but not right either.

4) Loosing my virginity on a one-night stand

That old chestnut sex. I was dating someone in uni and I psyched myself up a bit, knowing that any day now I would have sex for the first time. Problem is as it later turned out, he wasn't ready to be a "first time". So I did the typical, I drowned my sorrows in vodka and went home with the first man who showed interest. Turned out he was an insurance underwriter, and I left my watch there. It was stupid, and careless mostly because it ruined my relationship, and for a long time had me labled as "easy". It was also wrong because of just how pathetic I was, making sex so important in the first place. It still is now.....

5) Getting a former mates boyfriend into bed

Kind of self explanatory. I don't have the luxury of saying I was drunk this time. I knew what I was doing I did it anyway. Do I regret my decision, hell yes, would I do it again, hell no. Sometimes jut because you can have something, doesn't mean you should go out and take it, doesn't prove you are better, only shows you are a bigger jerk. I got a black eye for that and a serious dressing down, I think I deserved worse.

This is by no means all the stuff I could confess, I'm pretty sure that's only a fraction. But then I always get up every day and put on one sock at a time, I always try and do better next time, and never stopped trying to be as good a person as I could be. I don't always succeed, but that won't ever stop me trying.

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Doorknob to the Future

I'll be the first to admit, that while my house has been built, I hav'nt really allowed myself to get excited about it. Call it stoicism of you like, but when it comes to the big things I try not to allow myself to get to attached to them, probably because somewhere in the back of my head I think that someones going to take it away.

I have always dreamed of having a home of my own, of being independent and standing in my own two feet. It's that dream that led me to university, and subsequently to leave home a few years later, all so that I could be alone and live the way I wanted. After all kind of hard to pull a guy and bring them home when the parents sleep just across the hall, especially since most guys I pull end up being screamers ....... !

Today I had a simple chat with the project manager, was nothing major he just wanted me to go through some pictures and decide on the doorknobs I wanted. Nothing major at all really, compared to most of the process rather simple to be frank. But in that moment when I thought about whether I want the front door to be in brass or in black, I received a premonition.

I saw myself coming home from work and opening my own door and locking it behind me. I saw myself going up stairs to my bedroom and changing clothes, and going back down to my kitchen to make a cup of tea. I was in my kitchen again making a pasta bake while listening to some music on my iPhone. I saw myself settling down with a glass of wine watching something stupid on television, chatting
with my housemates (which I don't have yet) about nothing in particular. I even see myself coming home reeking of vodka in a cab after a night out, stumbling to e door, fumbling with keys, and trying to slip in without waking anyone up.

In that moment I allowed myself to feel the excitement I normally denied myself, I could see it so clearly in my mind. And now........ I can't wait.

Why WoW is better than Real Life

OK loads of people make fun of me for playing WoW. What can I say it's a special kind of therapy, so in e spirit of fun, and maybe boredom here is my top 5 list of reasons why the World of Warcraft can be SOOOO much better than real life.

1. You get to Travel.

Life is short, money is tight, and the real world is huge. If I was to list all the many many places I wanted to travel to then this blog would be 20 pages long. When you hit the game world you realise the world is still big, but thanks to a little can do spirit you can travel the length and breadth of the game world in a few days and take in the sights. You may never get enough money to see the pyramids or the Eiffel Tower, but for your subscription fee you get to see towers, temples, cities and epic sights.

2. Money is never tight.

Except for the occasional repair bill and your subscription fee you are never going to be out of money, I work in a sometimes frustrating and often pressured job and I wish I could get a bit more for bang for my buck. When you are in the game world all the gold and silver you need is only a quest or a kill away.

3. Murder is allowed.

Odd one this, but how many times have you left the office are the parents place and seriously wanted to kill someone. Well here you are it's legal now :) and often encouraged. This is because the bad guys are actually evil, which makes life much easier, compared to real life where capital punishment alone is a subject of controversy.

4. Death is merely a set back.

Ok I know that this sort of thing is what can desensitise young people and leads to nasty columbine like incidents, but imagine how great life would be if you never really needed to worry about death. God knows I would probably be a bit more fearless in my life, and stand up to the real monsters in real life.

5. You get what you work for.

Everything you do in the game gives you a reward. Whether it's a shiny new sword, a pretty helmet or just a plain old handful of gold for your hoard you get something. We all work hard in life and very rarely is our hard work recognised and here it shows in everything you are.


Well this is my top 5. But. I do want to say that I love my real life, I love going out clubbing and hanging out with my friends. But at times like this when I am watching the pennies, and a bit sore from the break up, then a bit of me time in another world is the perfect kind of escapism.

As I sign off now my level 55 Mage needs a bit of help powerlevelling through the snowy wilds of Winterspring, and if you get that reference, feel free to drop a comment :).

Seez y'all later.

Sick as a Dog !!

OK it takes a lot to really fuck me off, as anyone who knows me would corroborate, albeit more likely the word "soft" would be used.

Knowing this however the universe decides to throw curve-balls my way to try and really piss me off. Today the universe pushed me a little bit too far.

Today I have been sick as a dog, a particularly diseased looking stray as it happens. They call it a winter bug, which makes it sound cute........ it isn't. So I called in sick, a rare occurrence, and stayed in bed, occasionally coughing up a lung, and taking pain killers like tic tacs.

I call in sick, which took some doing and straining of the vocal chords since I lost my voice. Eventually they got the message however and I sent in what feels like a 10 page email detailing all my outstanding work from memory, and my boss emails me and tells me to go back to bed and rest.

Sadly rest eludes me. First off the house alarm went off when I was trying to sleep, as my father decided to do some rewiring. I would of yelled but loss of aforementioned voice meant the most I could manage was to look daggers at him.

Next the baby (my sisters daughter who was being looked after by my mum) starts screaming. Mum starts yelling asking me to look after her, which I cant do since I don't want to get the little one sick.

And as if that wasn't enough my Dad decides I need a bit of cheering up so he sends the dog into my room to jump into bed and trying to eat my ears.....

Then finally they all pop out for a couple of minutes for fresh air, meaning that when the delivery for some new sofas arrive there is no one to collect and unload them, except for old sicky here.

Listen kids, if you ever think it would be nice to call in sick and spend a day at home..... DO NT, because right now a genuine sicky is now feeling like absolute Poo and thinks I will be laid up a while :(

Counting Down the Days

It seems as though that right now my life is being made up of several small but significant countdowns. Seconds and minutes passing away from the future to the past leading on to a conclusion, its scary, but exciting too:

Meeting with student liaison to go through my coursework – 3 days (and surprisingly not left to last minute)

Meeting old friend for dinner and Cinema – 5 days (in desperate need of alcohol after)

Going shopping for more Furniture – 12 days (I’m thinking an extra large TV)

Me Moving into my new house – 50 days (scared shitless)

World of Warcraft Cataclysm comes out – 58 days (GEEKGASM!!! Rolling a Worgen FTW!!)

Christmas – 76 days (and slitting my wrists already)

Holiday with Ryan and the Gays - 85 days (Gran Canaria for some sun, sea and sexy lifeguards)

Its maddening to think of all the things that are coming, but only just a little bit out of reach. Still all of these things will help bring a little bit of shine to an otherwise dull life right now, especially now that the house is finally near completion. I feel a bit more free to breathe and start having a little bit of fun, instead of watching the pennies, and the pounds.

I know everyone will probably leave all their resolutions until new years, but I already know that I need to have a little more fun before then, and then make a resolution to have even more.

Keeping it brief today, just to start putting my toe back into my single bloggers lifestyle, but I promise a more concise and funny update in the days to come.

Leaving you all with an inspirational thought, you are all perfect at being yourselves. Catch you on the flip side readers.

(N.B. written while listening to Natalie Imbruglia's Counting Down the Days album)

Why?

Why do I see your face standing out in a crowd?
Why do I keep looking at you, and hope you are looking back?
Why does the die of just going over and saying hi, feel more scary than skin cancer?
Why is it that when I do talk to you, I ramble on like some mental patient?
Why am I such a dork?

Why do you smile at me and look into my eyes?
Why does your smile and eye contact make me shiver that has nothing to do with the cold?
Why do I remember every single thing you say, and yet still be amazed you are talking to me at all?
Why did you just buy me a drink, and why did you be sure to ask for a double ?
Why did I not see that coming?
Why do I want to kiss you so much, when we have barely had a conversation?
Why do you keep looking at me as if you want me to kiss you back?
Why do I always have to be the brave one who goes in first?

Why is it that when we kiss my lips tingle and why are your arms so warm when they are around my waist?
Why did I not think of having a breath mint after chowing down on garlic bread before coming out tonight?
Why do you give me a second look as I look around and see the other more attractive guys who tried it on with you, and to whom you said no?
Why are they now looking at me with disgust, and why do I care so much what they think?

Why did I give you my phone number?
Why did you text me so soon after I left with my friends?
Why does seeing a text from you make my heart skip a beat?
Why am I now holding on to my phone for grim death waiting for it to jingle reassuringly to tell me you just text me back?
Why do I get so annoyed when a friend texts me in the middle of this and breaks my train of thought?
Why did I invite you to see that movie that I have already seen..... Twice ?

Why do I seem to fit so well in your arms?
Why do you seem to slide into mine so perfectly?
Why did we bother with the movie, we missed most of it while we were snogging in the back row?
Why did I suggest you coming back to my place?
Why did you say yes?

Why did you want to be my boyfriend, when I sometimes felt unlovable?
Why do I start to put up pictures of us in my room?
Why did we make such a big thing about linking our profiles on Facebook even though we both find it mega dorky?
Why did you tell me you loved me for the first time so quietly that I had to ask you to repeat yourself twice before I understood?
Why did I then say I loved you too, and mean it with my whole heart?

Why did it all go wrong?
Why did we start having fights over nothing?
Why did we stop making the effort to spend our free time together?
Why did you need some time to yourself, and why did I have to be the understanding boyfriend?
Why did I torture myself to find you the perfect valentines present, when I knew deep down You were probably too hassled from work to get me anything?
Why did start caring more about your drama of a life, and why did you stop asking that all important question "how are you"?
Why did it feel like every time we were together, I was walking in egg shells?
Why did you let yourself get so pissed off about every little thing, and so stressed that you seemed to be perpetually miserable?
Why did I still make the effort to include you in my life, when you make no effort at all?
Why did I tell you I was fine with that even when it was actually a little insulted?
Why and when did I apparently loose my own identity to this dual one I made for us both?
Why did it take so long for us to work up the courage to admit it was over, when we both already knew it?

Why do we still care about each other so much?
Why am I sure that we will be amazing friends?
Why do I torture myself, and then try to be happy for you?
Why were you so close but yet so far to being perfect?
Why couldn't I settle and just be happy?
Why even when I am sure it is all for the best, do the edges of my heart feel ragged and hurt?
Why did I go on that ice-cream binge right after we broke up, and how am I going to loose the half stone I just put on?
And one more question that I always ask myself at the end:

Why even after all that has been done and said, do I find myself still being just a little bit in love with you?

These are the questions that have often come up in relationships, and sometimes also their aftermath. As someone who has just gone through a break up, I have also asked a few of these myself, but also as a good friend I have heard people around me ask themselves the same questions? There is nothing that really refers to any one person in particular, but I think these are the kind of questions we all ask ourselves at one time or another.

The truth is that the answer to all of these could very well be the same thing. But what that is I will leave you to decide.

Single..... Again

Well if the title doesnt already say it all allow me to go into a little bit more detail. Me and the boyfriend decided that we needed to call it quits.

It was a hard decision for both of us, but we were in agreement it was probably the best choice that we could of made. We were beginning to be fed up and easily annoyed with each other. Sadly it made us think that perhaps everything we had, had run its natural course, and we had two choices, we could leave now with the good memories, or we could wait and make it harder on us both if we fell apart later.

We have decided that we will be maintaining our friendship, or rather that we would try to, and we both have all the best intentions and good will in the world to make it happen.

First things first, I am fine, well sort of. Its weird, even knowing it was the bet thing I could do I still seem to have good days, and bad days. Sometimes i want to go and paint the town red, and others I want to curl up in bed with a book and be in bed by 9.15, I know, pathetic with a capital P.

Still I refuse to be sad, I just want to keep moving forward. I love Lee, and I always will, and I will miss him horribly. But I am thankful for the time that we ha together, and the friendship that we still have.

1 Billion Friends

In the age where the social networking site is the height of conversation, is it actually causing us to loose sight of the importance of physical interaction? More than that, is it possible to be connected with dozens of other people through them and still be alone?

Ok cards on the table, I am not a naturally confident guy, I am the sort of guy who won't say boo to a goose for fear the goose will kill me and eat my family. That said the idea of talking to people through online mediums has helped me to be a lot more comfortable talking in real life. 

My love affair with social networking began at the tender age of 18, with the infamous Gaydar, a "dating" site which offered the promise of meeting more gay guys, since at that tender age I didn't know any. From there it grew into MSN where I made a new place for myself to talk to these people I was chatting too on Gaydar, and started the slow process of building up relationships with a lot of different people. 

OK I can hear the comments already, that Gaydar and MSN are not inherently social networks. However, it's how the story starts with a lot of people, and it grew further into other areas. 

I moved on to Myspace, since it offered the chance to do some early blogging, I also took the advice of a dude from Gaydar and got myself installed on Faceparty too. By this point it was only a year later and I had my fingers in a lot of different pies. Not even a year after that I found myself on Facebook, the granddaddy of them all, and started to measure my self worth by the number of friends I had. I had also moved on to the unusually named LadsLads where I had given up completely on the "dating" sites and realised that sometimes all you need is straight up athletic and intense sex. I even publicly reported my own entry into the ranks of the Twiterrati just a few months ago with yet another online profile.

Now before anyone gets the wrong impression of me, I actually do have a life. I have a job and friends, and hobbies, and people who care about me. I love the idea that these sites can introduce you to new people and friends, and sometimes even boyfriends for the single gay man on the go. But when we get down to it, are our facebook friends really our friends, or are the followers in Twitter ever really listening? Is the dude on Gaydar going to remember you for you, or for the naughty picture that you posted? When you realise your latest status update is as dull as ditch water, is that when you realise, that probably no one cares? 

My real question is, is it possible that the idea of being so deeply connected with all these strangers, can social networking ever take the place of something real?

In my opinion it can't, it never could. So why don't we all try something a little different? Find a facebook friend or a Twitter follower that you don't know all that well, chat to them, get to know them, maybe even meet IRL for lunch someday. Talk about the things that really do matter to you, I promise no character limits, and no seedy pics needed first.

Believe it or not I still like my love affair with social networking, but I just know there is more to life than chat windows and what Stephen Fry is doing this week.  

Do you have the X Factor?

OK the reality television phenomenon that is X Factor has returned to our screens for another year, and I found myself tuning in to the 2010 series opener as once again the nation conducts its search for the next great pop star.

First impressions are somewhat... mixed, and though the judges have yet to really get their handbags and claws out to any of the auditionees, but likewise I didn’t see anyone with what I would call “transcendental” talent show up yet either, which made it a relatively no thrills starter, to ease us in to the new series.

I think I will keep an eye out on the unusually named Gamu, as the self described “girl with a red flower in her hair” impressed the judges with her own take on “Walking on Sunshine” as they trawled through Glasgow. Indeed early reports suggest that bookies are calling her an early favourite to win the whole competition. I personally say don’t count your chickens, and even though I did like her, I think I will need to see just a little bit more from her before she gets my vote.

Of course X Factor just wouldn’t be X Factor, without a “What The F**K” moment, and that came out in the form of 30 year old Shirleena when the judges moved the search on to London. Her eccentric take on “Mercy” by Duffy, had me on the floor out of a double whammy of laughter and cringing. I apparently looked like she was driving me into a seizure, and I have a strange suspicion that this woman could probably do just that, making me hope that if she continues in the competition, then producers will put a warning on the title card. Of course the real WTF moment came when the judges let her through 2 to 1. I know those guys are the experts, but surely they must have been drinking at that point.

Other memorable candidates were G & S a double act, whose take on “Don’t Stop Believing” quite possibly ruined the pilot episode of Glee, for me, for all time. I mean come on guys, it isn’t a double act unless you can both sing. I also shouted at the TV when “JAHM” hit the screen and butchered Bad Romance, after apparently meeting online and auditioning “over the phone”...... yeah I could believe that.

There has also been another point of controversy with thousands of viewers venting their spleens on twitter regarding the use of auto-tune technology by the show. The use of a post production technology to improve the voices of the contestants was met with outrage and seen by many as an attempt to falsely convey the quality of the talent that people have. I can only think, if that is what they sound like after they have been vocally photo-shopped, I would hate to have heard it raw *cringe*.

Oh well all controversy aside, the big lactating behemoth that is ITV’s cash cow has performed well in the ratings and 11.1 million viewers tuned in nationwide, and early estimations are showing that this will be a big year for the show, now in its seventh series. I will personally be watching (because the other half makes me) and seeing if I can spot the next Leona/Alexandra and be ready to vent my spleen on twitter if another Jedward shows up..... beware.

Anne Rice: The Courage of her Convictions

Anne Rice gave herself back to God just a few short years ago, and yet barely a week ago, the critically acclaimed author of “Interview with the Vampire”, announced that she was to quit being a Christian, due to their attitudes to feminism and homosexuality. In the moment I read the words I felt the kind of pride that makes a young cynic like me stop and take notice.

As an unashamed fan of her stories of the Vampires and the Witches that walk among us, I have always felt a deep and almost spiritual bond to Anne Rice. I felt nothing short of divine praise was due to her contribution to literature, as she dealt both sensitively and with a great deal of depth, those themes that many authors might be wary, if not downright afraid to touch.

During my adolescence she introduced me to the power and beauty of a world that was so real and vivid, that it turned many of my ideas about life and sexuality completely inside out. In many ways I owe part of the young man I am today to her, and her “savage garden” of aesthetics. Her back catalogue of fiction had affected me deeply, and made me proud of my own sexual identity, something which had been a difficult concept for me to understand even late into my teenage years. While reading her books she became my teacher, and she helped me to form my own personal philosophy, to life, love, sex and beauty.

In 2002 however her life and her career took a drastic change, when she “consecrated her writing to Jesus Christ” and that she would write “directly” for him. After returning to her childhood faith of Catholicism in 1998 she began to feel that her past literary accomplishments were to prepare her for that step, and she confirmed this on her personal website. Myself, and I am sure many other fans of her previous work were saddened to see the end of her previous works, and perhaps even worried when her new book “Christ the Lord, Out of Egypt” hit the shelves in 2005 and seemed in subject matter to be a far cry from where she started.

On a personal note I felt a sharp and palpable pang of personal grief, and almost a sense of betrayal. How could a woman who created such masterpieces turn herself to a religion where the views of homosexuality were still left wanting. Why would someone, who wrote so beautifully of the empowerment of women and their control of their own private destinies, decide to write only on behalf of a faith system where abortion was a grievous sin? Out of principle I chose not to read her later work, if only for the fact that I was worried that I would only find Christian Rhetoric burning through the pages in my hands.

However last week, coincidentaly while rereading “The Witching Hour”, I read about how she had quit being Christian. My curiosity was inflamed I did some research, and Rice actually confirmed her views on her Facebook in response to an inflammatory statement from “You Can Run But You Cannot Hide” a severely right wing Christian ministry. She stated on the social networking site that:
“I quit being a Christian. I’m out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.”

She wrote in response to a statement by the ministry that
I was moved in ways I could not even process for a few long minutes. However I soon had to smile, and I felt something wonderful had occurred. Though Rice has maintained that she is a faithful Catholic, she was horrified by the views taken by some so-called “modern” Christians, and that “following Christ does not mean following His followers.”

Perhaps this is my own specific brand of hero worship talking, but there is something so deep and meaningful about this statement, and it helps me to reaffirm my own faith in humanity as a whole. With a few well chosen words Rice has maintained her own faith, and her own love of Jesus, while simultaneously rejecting the idea that homosexuality is wrong, and turning her back on the religious right wing.

Rice, by taking her own stand by not conforming to beliefs that she finds herself morally opposed against, and so shows the world that they are allowed to have faith, and yet they do not need to follow those that spread messages of hate and ignorance to the masses.

Anne Rice herself is the mother of a gay son, Christopher Rice an author who lives in California, and regular writer for the American LGBT related news magazine the Advocate. Rice has maintained that the decision was not due to her son’s orientation, but more to do with her own beliefs and opinions. As a fan boy or her work and vampire fanatic, as a proud gay man, and a staunch humanist, my heart goes out to her bravery, and her willingness to stand up for peoples rights. I can only hope that others follow her proud example, and help to weaken the iron grip of many of these hate spreading ministries have on their "communities" and "congregations".

How many roads must a man walk down?

The saga of my mid-mid-life crisis continues. But that's mostly because its my birthday at the end of the month, and at the not so tender age of 23 I am still not sure what direction my life is going in.

I have spoken before about my love/hate relationship with my job, and of my steady relationship, and how I want to live my life in the best possible way. But here's the rub, I am a FUCKING hypocrite, though I am ashamed to admit it.

The truth is, I don't like my job anymore. My boss is a massive tool, and I mean that in the honest to god American sense, in the course of not even a year working for him I am becoming a neurotic mess. I cant lie, I enjoy the work, but this isn't the type of job I ever saw myself doing, and more often than not I leave work feeling like I am falling down a well, and my chances of escape are limited.

I talk a lot about changing my life, but I keep falling into the same patterns. I change things around for a month, then something happens and it destabilises all the good work I have done. My commitment to going out and seeing friends more, all well and good, but then I forget to return calls, or have to cancel lunches because I want to work through lunch to meet yet another deadline.

My relationship is all that keeps me sane, yet even that is fraught with stress sometimes, and on more than one occasion I have almost snapped and vented my spleen at him, but I will not do that since I know not all my anger is to do with him.

All these endless books and films make the idea of changing for the better sound easy. But my own "coming of age" in my new and impressive adult life, feels so hard.

But still I try to keep the faith. I am not ready to call it quits just yet. I am still looking to chase my dreams, as unlikely as they seem right now. I know that my road is only as difficult as the obstacles I put in front of myself.

Even as I write this, I am thinking of an old dream, that has been bubbling to the surface over the past few months. I am ready to go about chasing it, but I need to plan it carefully, I am not defeated, and I am not done.

I will be 23 on the 28th August. That sounds like a good age to me!!

And for all the bloggers who respond to visual aids, here is a pic of me, looking pretty tired and unkempt, but maybe a little happy even still lol. Much love and happiness to you all, will hopefully get posting more often :) !!!!!

Proud Creation

Since I have started working on posts for my fiction blog, the first thing that I always think about is how long is it going to last?

I like to start things up, like gym training, or saving money, but there is always someting which seems to stop me dead and I find that all the things i try to do, end up half done and cluttering up my personal space. So even though I stay optimistic about my first peice of published literature, in the back of my head is the niggling little voice that tells me, "It will never get done".

I said i an earlier post and still maintain that its a perfectionist issue. I am never sure if I can put the ideas and feelings i have stored up in my brain, and get them on the page. (Or in this case a computer screen) I always try, thats the one thing I can always say, I try very hard. But somehow the result has always been the same.

I read it and reread it and tweak it and trim it, i edit and enlongate and in some cases eviscerate the narrative.

But sometimes it becomes such a large mess, that I cant physically see how I can show it to anyone.

Then last night I had a breakthrough of sorts!!!!!

I was testing out the new wireless printer, and I decided to print both the chapters i have currently uploaded to my sister blog. I picked up the pages and all of a sudden I realised something unusual was happening. I had about 12 pages in my hand, and a voice in my head kept saying "I made you". I couldnt put the pages down, and I read them in my hand, even turning the pages as if it were a real book, and I felt like I actually had something to show for my many attempts at writing.

A short stack of paper made me feel like a writer, more than anything else has ever done for me in the past!!!

I put the pages in a folder and I put the folder on my dest, and now when I am not sure what to do, I loook at what I already made.

The hard part is over, I took the first step in a hundred mile journey, and I owe it to myself to keep going.

Anyway guys, gals, and garden gnomes, if you want to read the second chapter of Alone in the Crowd has been posted http://alone-in-the-crowduk.blogspot.com/ and if you are a first time reader you can follow the links back to chapter 1.

Please remember that all feedback and comments are welcome :)

I Want to Write !!!

One of the reasons I got into blogging was the simple idea that I love stories. Ever since I was old enough to read I have always wanted to be an author. I suppose everyone wants to one day pick up a notepad and find they have become the next JK Rowling or Stephen King.

For me I never knew what I wanted to though, did I want to be a journalist, did I want to right the next Harry Potter, or did I want to be a poet ? To be honest, I wanted to be all of these things, thats how much I love writing sometimes, just loosing yourself to telling a story you feel passionate about.

So with that in mind I thought about why I don't do it as a career, and unfortunately the truth is, Fear. I fear being rejected, I fear getting it wrong, I fear fumbling my words, or people just plain hating it. So as sad as it sounds I live with fear that no one will ever let me write a story, and I decided I no longer want to be afraid.

So I wrote a story, or the beginning of one at least, and I blogged it :). I don't care if a publisher hates it, I just want to tell a story.

So my new fiction piece is called Alone in the Crowd and you can find it at, http://alone-in-the-crowduk.blogspot.com/ . I hope you like it, and if it turns out to be your taste don't be shy about saying so. :D

This long old beast is only chapter 1 with more to follow on as soon as I can write them.

To anyone who has a dream, but are afraid, don't be anymore, it's sometimes worse to sit alone and wonder what you might of done, if you were more brave.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

My Dangerous Obsession

Let me cast your minds back just a few months to when I first started my blog, and you might remember my fondness for iPhone, apps and all things Apple. Now remember when just a Month ago I needed to shell out to buy a new laptop. Now this made life very perilous for me because of the infamous iPad coming out.

I know what the reviews and some public opinion has to say about the device, but then I remember they said the exact same thing about the iPhone when it first came out too. At the end if the day it is a gorgeous piece of tech and I lusted it in a way only a fan boy can. But what to do considering my financial issues and a house to build? I though if I just blocked it out then I would just wait till I could afford it in the future. You know the same lie....

The more I worked out the math, the more unlikely it seemed that I would be able to get myself an iPad for a good long while. So I did the most natural thing, I completely accepted it. After all what more could I do. Problem is that Lasted all of ten minutes and then I decided I really really really was not going to give myself any peace until I got one....... So I did.

Was quite random really and I was wracked with guilt, at least till I turned the beast on and then I was having too much fun to be "reeeeally" guilty. At least not until my mum found the receipt, man can she scream.

So there you have it probably bad move financially, but when its this much fun, can we ever really say the money was wasted?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I am a Twitterati

It has finally happened I have joined those few and fad lovin Twitter people. Bolstered by celeb personalities such as the divine Stephen Fry this site gives me the same oppurtunity to moan and bitch and vent, and I have to admit it is fascinating :).

I am not leaving my clockwork universe to tick along without me, but it is just another fun thing to do. So anyone who is a twitterer then please feel free to seek me out @poisonedessence. I know the name is a stretch but I wanted to sound badass, actually I think I sound emo .....

To all my fellow twits, catch you all soon. Love and kisses and pelvic thrusts :)

Scott

Waiting for Change

GeoTagged, [N51.60824, W0.59307]

I figured out this morning that I am always waiting for something, whether it's a bus, or the bf, or one of those life changing moments. I always feel like I am standing on the precipice of starting something, and to be honest I'm kind of getting sick of it.

Right now I am waiting for my bus to work, which for some reason encourages my brain to start working through the emotional baggage. Right now I feel a bit stagnant in my job and don't know how to get over that, likewise I am trying to figure out how to shake things up in my personal life to make it more rewarding.

In short I am waiting at lifes bus stop, and the bus is not quite in sight yet..... Maybe I should get a lift in ?

Topless Construction Workers

I swear I did not intend to go out looking for half naked men, but I find hat since I have been in a relationship they tend to pop up more and more.

Anywhoo was in the car with my brother in law going to work, but he parked up so he could drop off his son at the school on the way. He parked next to a local town hall, which is having it's roof redone by the look of it. Then suddenly as they go in and leave me in the car I realise that the roofers are both blonde, topless, and muscular and one of them is wearing pink boxers which I can see over his shorts.... I am pretty sure that this is some guys fantasy but I only find it annoying.

So I do the honourable thing, I close my eyes and think of my bf, that's when very blonde roofer man decides to start applying sun cream........... I mean come on give a guy a break, it's like a honey trap from god. So now I have a blonde tanned muscular guy just glistening away in the distance.

OK I know it is perfectly acceptable to find other guys apart from your bf attractive, but it still feels wrong to look. Mostly because I sincerely hope that I have ruined my own boyfriend for other men lol.

Anyway the slightly twisted moral of the story today is ........ Meh I got nothin. Oh well lol, welcome to the summer guys, hope everyone is having a good one so far :)

Full Disclosure

OK here is the deal, sometimes I do not know how much I should really post on a blog.

When I first started writing it I believed in a no holes barred sort of deal, no secrets, and no lies. Problem is that it never quite works out that way :s, I mean there are just some things that no one likes to talk about.

But today I actually grew a pair and decided to be a little chatty about the things I think I do need to talk about.

1. The Job. First things first I like my job. Only problem is, that sometimes the people I work with really do get on my nerves. If I make any type of mistake then they all go running to my boss and make it even worse. Im not saying they are wholly wrong to do this. I am just saying "chill the fuck out" I am only human, and lord knows you arent perfect either.

2. The Man. I love my boyfriend, but we are like any couple and have a couple of issues. Right now he is so stressed out with the things going on in his life that I he is starting to get really upset and frustrated with me. I try to be the good doting boyfriend I have always been, but sometimes its so hard to be there for him when sometimes he acts like he wishes I was not there.

3. The Family. Guess what, love them too. But they are always butting heads and finding new ways to annoy and upset me. My dad, who is not a skinny man told me that I look fat, and my mum complains loudly that I am oh so gay, and actually had the nerve to call my bf Ugly to my face. I screamed her out and she says I am being too defensive :s.

There have been so many times when I would of just loved to come on and vent. But unless you missed the trend, I love all of these things as much as they annoy me, and I always have a paranoid fear that someone will read it and call me out on these horrible things I say.

But I am sick and tired of just grinning and taking it. I am a (sometimes) human being, and I need things too.

The Truth will set you Free. But it will piss you off first

The truth is I have dyslexia, well maybe that's the truth I have become that good at working around it, that it has not bothered me in years. It all started thanks to a series of small mistakes, which tend to be the only ones I make, you know the type the small silly errors that you tend to make if you are tryig to make a quick deadline. A typing error was made, and because i am not as focused as normal I didn't notice. Problem is that someone else did notice.

Now I reckon that if you notice someone make a mistake you tell them and they can fix it. Except this person decided to write a very LONG email to my boss saying how I am not checking my work properly. This leads my boss to schedule an informal meeting with me regarding said feedback. I take it on the chin and get back to work. Of course I am stewing about a silly mistake being made worse.... So perhaps i am obsessing over it so I make another one..... You see where I am going with this.

My boss reckons I should get my dsylexia properly checked by a doctor and inform the rest of the team. The idea leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, I have always tried to act like there is nothing wrong and don't want to be treated like there is. Am I being too prideful?

New Day New Laptop

Unfortunately it is a solemn day as the good old laptop has gone off to that big LAN party in the sky. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. So I had it's hard drive ripped out and stuck in a box. Anyone makes a joke about wicked queens and I will not be amused. Anyway I wasn't kidding I had a massive media collection on my hard drive so I took it in to a repair shop to convert it into an external hard drive for me.

Once I knew that my information was safe I was much happier and I was able to have more fun browising for a new laptop. I move on quickly..... It didn't tale take long to find my new toy, it's so glossy and pretty, and for about the same price of my old one it can do so much more. I even paid extra so that it would arrive before 11.

It's a nice new toy and loaded up with all the new features from Windows 7, all a little gimmicky but then I am well and truly gimmicked and proud lol.

Anyway must dash, hope everyone had a good weekend shall be able to post more often now, see you all soon.

One HELL of a weekend!

OK I have been out of sight and out of mind now for a while and its all been down to some fucking technical issues. SO in light of that gonna try and tell my unusual story as briefly as possible.

First of, Volcanic Ash....... did you see any cos i sure as hell fucking DID NOT!!!!! However, due to aforementioned ash my weekend with the bf was all over the place. Originally it was going to be a nice relaxed weekend in, however my lovable man thing was house sitting for a family who had gone away for a holiday. You made the connection yet? So because of the invisible ash we were stuck over at this house looking after their dog.

First things first, I did not really mind, it shook things up ever so slightly. Unfortunately the dog had a bit of a vendetta against me, There was no wireless so I had no extra ways to amuse myself, and finally my gorgeous man had a sore mood the whole time. Any of these on their own would of made me a bit on edge, however it was made even stranger on the last day of the house sitting job.

Now Lee had to go to work, and since it was my week off we decided that I could stay alone in the house and keep an eye on the dog that morning. Now because Lee let him out before he left he said that he shouldnt need to go again untill much later..... in theory.

Of course I hopped out of bed to pop to the bathroom, and next thing I see when I get back is a very distinctive stain in the bed sheets. Lo and Behold ! The dog had peed right where my head would of been.... i tried not to take that too personally.

I mean What the HELL, why is it that the one time it is down to me to do something that crap like this happens.

Anyway I felt naturally guilty, and i did not want to land myself or Lee in trouble so I threw the sheets into the washing machine, and got so stressed I decided to mop the floor to relieve my guilt. Lee got in from work and he just laughed at my aggro..... is it bad that i wanted to throttle him?

Anywho once the dust settled Lee went to have a nap since he had been up so early, and I decided to entertain myself by opening up my laptop and organising my stuff so I can back it all up. Then I realised that something was wrong, and no power was going into the machine. F U C K.

So not even one day into my week off and everything is slowly falling apart. :(.

Retail Therapy

OK had a bit of a shopping trip during my lunch break, went off with one of my good friends Jay to trawl round the high street and see if there is anything that is worth getting. We even got to take a side trip to Starbucks to help round off the fastest lunch hour possible, which would be great if I was much of a coffee drinker.

It was nice though to have a bit of a bitchy hour and relax with a friend. I love my bf but a nice bit of girly boys time was what I needed, especially when all I want to do is talk to someone who isnt a family member or the bf or a work friend. It would of been even better if we had of bought anything, but he was short on cash and I am a fussy shopper, and almost never get anything without needing a while to think about it first. Problem is that a shopping trip without a bag full of crap at the end, is like sex without a climax, all the fun of a nice lead up but doesnt quite reach that final peak.

Maybe they shouldnt call it Retail Therapy, its a Retail Orgasm. OOOOOH Debenhams, MMMMMM River Island, Oh baby yessss Topman....... and Finally AIEEEEEEEEE H & M. OK that may just be going a little too far.

I shouldnt really be buying loads of new clothes anyway, I still need to sort my wardrobe out and get rid of my old clothes but James and me have said we will pop over and do some heavy duty shopping one day next week when I am on holiday, and if need be i shall enlist him to help me be brutal if need be.

Interesting side note is we ran into one of my old ex's in one of the shops. Oddly enough it turned out to be one of his ex's too. I hate it when that happens, you never know what to say, so i just turned around and said "small pecker" and winked. He politely nodded and we went back to the racks lol.

Step 1 complete, one minor hiccup

Ok as part of my resolution to sort my life out I decided to start small. I though about all the crap I have lying around and what will the the easiest to part with. Finally I looked at my shelf and it came to me, my videos. I have not watched a video cassette in years and the only VCR left in the house is downstairs. So it seemed like a reasonable 1st reasonable thing to get rid of.

I boxed it all up an I go the normal amount of nostalgia. Videos which I had watched so many times they were grainy and faded now. Lokkjg back on it I am amazed I put up with the bad quality, but that being said it was the 90s and I did not know any better lol. Thing was it did make me wonder abou about just doing away with them all. It seemed like such a waste. So I passed them to dad so he could record them on some blank DVDs so at least we still have them in some form.

Naturally I thouht I was being quite thoughtful and responsible. Unfortunately I think I really should of checked all of those videos more before I handed them over. Unfortunately a porn movie slipped through the cracks :s. It was lucky it was a pretty tame one or inwould of been in a bit worse schtook than o was in already. Good grief l you need to do to panic the straights is threaten them with porn.

Ah well step 2 is tomorrow, the wardrobe and my clothes. This naturally means that I am going out at lunch with a friend to do some clothes shopping :).

Weekend at last, but where has it gone ????

I have so badly needed this weekend it is seriously unreal. Problem is it is back to work tomorrow and I have ha a hard time trying to figure out exactly what I have been doing.

Firstly I went the other halfs house, as is the norm with me. It was nice to see him and he had good news for me, he has been promoted which means he might actually have some decent hours now. I can't say I will miss him having to get up at 4 some mornings, and I think he would love not being tired all the time. I also met his aunt Sue for the first time, a lovely woman who makes me laugh. Still by 8 it was time for bed as Lee was to be up at 4 and so needed to go to sleep. He told me to stay up and fiddle on the computer because he felt guilty if I had to go to bed early just because of him. Of course 10 mins later he asked me to come to bed cos he missed me, awh. And since his brother was away we actually got treated to the double bed which was lovely cos Lee only has a single.

He got up at stupid o clock the next day, and I was faced with a geeky dilema. Do I go and renew my subscription to WoW. I know will the depths of my geekyness know no bounds :s. I actually put the question to facebook "to WoW or not to WoW", and the responce was an overwhelming YES. Ah well if I get addicted I just blame my friends.

Lee crawled in about noon and he went to bed to nap, so I just played WoW and watched tv waiting on him. We have been together 5 months but instill feel weird when I am alone with his family, they are all great to me but I still feel nervous. Maybe I still feel a bit like a guest, even though he says I am family.

Finally around 4 Lee rejoined the land of the piving and we went to see his aunt, we were going to have a party with the Wii. I made myself look like a complete fool om Just Dance tryin to do MC Hammer :s, still Lee had to do a Kylie dance with his brother so I can't complain lol.

As there is with this sort of event there was a tantrum or two, mostly resolving around misplaced nunchucks for the wii remotes but other than that it was a blast. Of course the night had to end and we went back to Lees for some sleep.

We came home to a Shower Rota, since the next day we all needed to shower and get ready for lunch as we were going out. And since there were 6 of us we all needed to be up and out. I was a little mortified because it meant Lee needed to be up early on his day off, but I knew it would solve some tantrums later :).

The highlight was that night with Lee, we just go to be cuddly and chatty about just us. Which is quite rare since we never really get any alone time at the moment. It was lovely to enjoy such sweet, long and deep kisses, of course I found ithard to stop there, but I knew I had too since we needed to be up early again. Either way it is still my idea of heaven, me and my bf, cramped together in a single bed, nothing between us, just holding each other. I know Lee reckons I'm a bit of a soppy bastard too.

OK, time to be responsible

Now that the drama of my new boyfriend and my family breaking bread together has finally passed I realise that the energy I have been putting into worrying about it has finally started to seep back into me. So I am finding that I have a larger capacity to do more things that I must admit I have seriously put of doing.

I am not sure what put me in the mood to start overhauling my life. Maybe the fact that spring is in the air, and for once the rain has stopped? Either way my I am feeling a sudden urge to dust to cobwebs from my brain and try to live a little better. If you are a loyal reader you will remember that I said in a previous post that I was going to organise my life. This is not quite the same thing, one is thinking about it, this is actually doing it..... a strange and scary concept.

Thanks to my mental organisation I have finally put together a shortlist of all the things that really do need attention.

1) Computer - I am afraid I am one of those people who has a cluttered computer. I have just been living with it for a bit too long and even the other half is beginning to notice it could do with a tidy :S. So I will be going through and getting rid of all the crap i dont need, and backing up all the stuff i do, including my massive media and film collection.

2) Wardrobe - OK, lets face it some things just are not coming back into style :(. I have more clothes than I can fit in my wardrobe and the wood is beginning to groan in protest, so I need to put aside my in built homosexual desire to hoard the clothes and put them in a bin liner, or failing that charity. Or if I'm feeling really mean give the bin-liners as clothes to charity....... I'm in a weird mood tonight.

3) Friends - You are probably thinking why would I feel the need to organise my friends..... but the truth is I do. Since I have been happily enraptured by the lovely bf, I have been neglecting some of my friends to the point of nastiness. So I seriously need to organise some fun times and dinners in the next few months to get me back in peoples good books. Likewise my bf really needs to be introduced or they will start to think I'm making him up :S.

4) Money - Before you ask, NO, this is not a list in order of importance, otherwise my priorities would be well and truly FUCKED. Anyway my finances are stable, but that's about it. Its time to speculate, so I can accumulate some of that precious green so I can fund myself a little better.

There is probably a lot more to sort out, but that is the list for now, may not seem much to you, but to me the little stuff is always the easiest to start with. Once I am done with these I am sure there will be something else to keep my attentions consumed.

Afterglow :D

You know sometimes the best sex of your life is categorized by the feeling of utter contentment you feel straight after. That moment after you reach climax you feel your whole self melt together, your legs buckle, and feel the kind of peace that seems confined to religious experiences, or Lady GaGa's latest music video.

Thats they way I have felt all day today, not because of any recent rumpy pumpy (which is a shame) but simply because I was able to get through yesterday.

I have been so stressed out for the last few weeks that I am wondering how I have been able to function. I am also wondering how I was able to get through that initial meeting without breaking down from the incredible strain. But now that its over and the approval marks have been dished out I feel like the weight of the world has come off my shoulders, for now at least.

My mother, though not exactly singing his praises, was more than a little relieved that Lee had a good time, with my sister occasionaly grumbling about the fact that he was a vegitarian (her being a carnivore she objected on a personal levels..... weirdo). I was so happy that I did something unusual. I actually got all giddy and happy when Lee sent me a text, which is the sort of behaviour which tends to fade out round the month mark.

The timing fit in well as today it turned out to be our 5 month anniversary, something I only realised last night. Its unusual, sometimes i feel like i have known him for years, and others I feel like I have known him all of 5 minutes.

Anyway readers the big ugly evil thing on the horizon has faded away, which means I can now turn my attention to other things, starting with the week of holiday I have coming up, downside being that I have to wait two weeks till then :S.

I feel like im still glowing even 24 hours later, and every time I look at the silly pics of my man on my computer I smile all the more. When the fuck did I turn all lovey dovey........ LOL!!

Anyway I sign off knowing I should really get some sleep, work tomorrow.... ugh. Night All.

Wow, I am shocked

If you are a loyal reader then many of you will know that today was the day when my boyfriend finally got to meet my whole family. A prospect that made me very nervous. Please understand I love my boyfriend a lot and I always wanted him to meet the family, which I think of him as part of, I just always worried that if he saw how insane my family were then I might loose him. The truth of the matter is that a part of me wanted to keep him safe and happy, and I worried about it mainly because I have been so happy the last five months, I didn't want to spoil it.

As it happened, he was a hit.

We started the day slowly, we did not have to be at my parents till three, so we stayed in bed having some cuddles and eventually watched a film. ( Watchmen in case you were wondering ). But then we both got showered and dressed, and left to go. To say I had butterflies would be an understatement, I felt like I had Mothra and his whole dysfunctional family going at it in my guts. I am ashamed to admit it but a tiny part of me even wanted to ask him to pull over for a few minutes. Still I persevered, though I did ask him if he was still happy with me and our relationship, my little pet worry being that if he was even a little bit uncertain then this might push him over the edge. He told me, that he was happy. So I felt much better.

We got to the house where my large Alaskan Malamute dog Toby, decided he loved lee so much he was going to pick him up and try and bury him. Well it was one hell of an icebreaker. He then proceeded to meet my mother and grandmother, I still chaffed at them referring to him as my "friend" but I supposed they needed to come to terms wih it too. In no time at all we were surrounded by my neice and nephew as well as my brother and his soon to be wife. I could tell he was nervous, so we just stayed quiet and let everyone talk around us.

All at once he seemed more at ease, especially after he started to win people over one at a time, and as he managed it I felt the tense muscles in my shoulder blades slowly unravel and I felt lighter than air. Of course then we got to the Easter meal and all of a sudden I just felt bloated. I have to give my mother much respect for pulling together an extra vegitarian meal for Lee, which he loved. I think he loved the desert too which was a rich chocolate sponge covered in chocolate sauce. I couldn't finish it, but Lee took it in stride and impressed my indomitable mother.

We quietly retired for some tea and coffee, and even had some play time with the children, he wowed my nephew by making a perfect play-doh snail. So great was our success, we retired to my room for a few minutes, I just needed a hug and I wanted to find the words to tell him how happy I was. He didn't think he did much, only that he tried his best. But in my heart, I felt something like pride swell me up, I almost didn't want him to leave. But I knew he had to, my mother has made a lot of progress but not that much, not yet.

He left with one last good night kiss, and I felt light again, though more dreamy, like my insides were mad of clouds and air. I came straight up to bed and decided to post this, before my memory started to dim. I may read this tomorrow and be embarrassed at how gushy i sound. But right now, I can think of only one time I was happier, and that was he night Lee said he loved me for the very first time.

I love you too Lee, sweet dreams.

What to write........

Ugh this is is a new situation, I am blog blocked. Normally I have tonnes of stuff to think about, but really for once I am feeling non-plussed. It's not as if I have not been doing anything, or that I have nothing to think about. I am still pretty petrified by the idea of tomorrow and my lover man meeting my family.

I look at some of the blogs on here and I wonder how some of these really great writers fin the inspiration to write as often as they do. I am amazed if I am honest, and some how by comparrison the mental meanderings of my demented coconut seem to pale in comparison.

Well there is news at least, mixed in with my fears over tomorrow there have been some positive steps in getting my house. The old building which was on my plot has finally been torn down. I did not expect it to feel this sudden, I must admit I never really thought it would happen. But now that I look at the two piles of debris, it suddenly feels more real than it had been. It suddenly makes me feel woefully unprepared as I still have so much to do. My Dad keeps tellin me to not worry and hat things wi happen in their own time. But as usual I can't help it, and I find myself working through eBay looking for spoons and dining chairs.

So my post has not got much direction today, I suppose it must be the fear. But I can promise plenty to write about after tomorrow.

Till then au revoir my readers, ( being optimistic lol ) x

OK now I'm SCARED !!!!!!

The joy of a holiday on Friday. There is nothing like that nice extra hour or so of sleep that make me look foreward to Easter. Of course I took advantage, stayed in my PJs all morning and sat in front of my True Blood reruns. Q guilty pleasure I assure you ;).

Of course we still have a house full of family but as we have all been fucking each other off, the grand majority have left me be on my own huzzah. But I know they will all be back on Sunday, hence the reason for my anxiety. Lee will be meeting them all and I am unashamedly beginning to feel the nerves. I am trying to be as optimistic as I can, but I sti worry, my family can be very wicked when they choose to be.

If this was The Bodyguard I would be standing ready to take a bullett if necessary, but here there are no weapons to stand in front of, and there is no protection from the things that people say. I love him so much, I just want everything to go well for his sake. I guess that's the problem with having such a passive aggressive family, it makes it hard to hold on to the people that you want to keep close. I'm afraid that if it all goes sour then I will loose him, he might just decide I'm not worth the aggro.

He has told me so many times I am worth it, but I still can't keep the fear in check. I have not done this before, can you tell ?

I think it's taking it's toll on me, makes me come across and extra clingy which I seriously do not want, and my mans patience might be getting strained. He doesn't show it but then it makes me feel self concious.

Seriously how do people do this, take the plunge and introduce people to their parents. I already feel like a nervous wreck.

Daylight Savings Brain Chaos

Oh dear God I am missing my sleep :(.

My head has been a bit of a mess since the clocks went back a few days ago, my sleep is all over the place, my head has rarely stopped hurting, and all the while I feel oddly off balance and like im a beat behind from where I was last week.

How the hell is it that an hour makes all that much difference to the brain :S. I know that jet lag is meant to leave you more than a little fucked up as you travel between time zones, but even so.... 1 HOUR !!!!!! And my brain is now a fine paste coming out my ears.

Its weird, because I know that I am not the only one. Even at the office people seem oddly off balance and my poor boyfriend is having some trouble with his sleep cycle too. But all I want is a nice long sleep half the time.

Due to a need to help my brain log off my post for today will be brief as.... well, briefs i suppose. So I am off to get some rest, night night internet.

Time to get Organised !!

OK, I spent the majority of the day in a special training course which is designed to tell me how to better manage my time, and energy. It was more of a work thing but in a creepy kind of way it helped me to figure out some of the classic mistakes I have been making for years. Since one of my goals is to improve the quality of my life, I thought there would be nothing better than to clear out the cobwebs and give my pysche a quick spring clean.

One of the first points that came out of my course, was that human beings have a miraculous capacity for klutter. It comes on us in all kinds of ways, from the clothes you never wear but always keep, to the DVD's I have not watched in years, but never want to throw up. It told me that the key to finding your way to being more productive and be able to do all the things you want, the first thing that I need to do is take the Klutter out of my life. OK as much as I would love to argue with that, I know myself, and I am a natural packrat.

So with a heavy heart for many of my worldy posessions I have decided to make the time and clear out all the things I no longer want. I mean seriously I have a bookcase full of videos, who watches vidoes anymore :S. That being said I dont even have a video player. My Wardrobe is also shaking ever so slightly as the bulky jumpers and ancient clothes which have survived many a culling, now know that their time has come.

I have a lot of things to get through in the next couple of weeks, mostly when it comes to my boyfriend meeting my whole family for the first time (both insanely nervous) but once that is out of the way I am going to work my way through the mess and give me that blank canvas I need to start painting my life into existance.

The Lost Weekend :(

Maybe this is part of my whole mid-mid-life crisis but I am beginning to wonder of the seconds are running along faster, especially at the weekends. No sooner than I do a couple of the jobs that I had schedules to do today than all of a sudden the sun has gone to bed, and so must I (mentally slapping myself for quoting Sound of Music).

It was one of those days that's sluggish to start, so I decided to stay in bed for an extra hour, downside was that I forgot it was daylight savings so ended up staying in bed for two hours without meaning too. But the second I got up I realised there was still a dull ache from yesterdays exertions. Still I soldiered on and pit a load in the wash and stripped the bed. Of course as soon as I made my presence known I ended up on babysiting duty, but that was fine by me since I had nothing else to do.

Then I ended up sitting on eBay looking at random stuff trying to make a list of all the things that I would need for when the house was ready. It was daunting when inreally thought about all the little things I would need for my home. I must admit I still have that odd twinge of excitement, thinking about my knives and forks and towels, which means I am either becoming a proud home owner, or a slightly nutty one.

Still the day passed surprisingly fast between the wash and the child minding, and then the lengthy ironing session with True Blood playing in the background and a nice big Sunday roast to round of the evening.

Even as I write this I guess this is not one of my more exciting posts, that being said this is a weekend, and I have needed to have some rest for once.

Feeling Battered and Bruised

Like most people who think a little too much and spend a lot of time indoors I am not that good at workig with my hands, well not outdoors anyway. (Yes I went there and did a masturbation joke, are you happy internet....).

Unfortunately there was plenty of work to do today in the plot that is soon to become my house. I knew it was a big thing to demolish and rebuild a house to make it mine, but somehow the idea of the completed project overrode my worries. Of course perhaps I was being more than a little naieve.

Because of the work today I had to cut down my weekend time with Lee short, I was not thrilled about the idea of loosing any precious time with him, especially since my last post.... But he understood and I mentally promised myself that I would cook him dinner when I saw him next. Anywho I got home around 12 and after I changed into some old clothes (a long sleved shirt and really old jeans) I went with my father and older brother.

As I said. I am not good at outdoor work in the slightest, what I have yet to mention is that my brother works in construction, and my father as a la dlord pretty much know everything there is to know about this field. Which is good because as I was about to proove I did not have a clue. They both knew this of course, but that did not stop them from making me feel bad about the things I did not know.

I know Ignorance is not a Defence, But it is not a Crime either.

Still i went to work with as much gusto I could manage. And even though I got a fair few looks of disappointment from the two men in my family, I am to used to it now, so it doesn't bug me. The main job today was the clearing of the area, and putting up fencing to mark the area off from the rest of the nearby park, once done then we could demolish the old shell of the house and begin construction.

It was honest and good work, but by the end of it every muscle seemed to be screaming at me and threatening to sue me, unless working standards improved. But after the ribbing I had from my brother about being such a runt I was unwilling to take any breaks, trying to focus only on doing the job, and doing it right.

Then, as you would expect in my clockwork universe, it started raining. Not heavily of course but still not the kind of weather you would want to stand outside in. Then I slipped a fair few times, with one memorable trip causing my leg to get stuck in the remnants of the old chain link fence and needing my brother to pull me free. But I wasn't hurt, only my ego stung, ( my pride having sensibly moved out a decade ago).

By the end of it there were arguments, like there always is. But I went home happily, and slipped on my earphones and listened to some comfort music (Celine Dion and Scissor Sisters) and felt all my muscles whine about the cruel treatment.

There is probably more to do tomorrow, but I am trying not to think that far ahead. Instead I am trying to think further.l trying to see the finished home in my head. My slice of the world. It's a pleasant thought and hats what keeps me going.

My Mid-Mid-Life Crisis

It does not take much to make me thoughtful, and takes only slightly more than that to make me worry. My friend Kev often says I think a little too much. But I never really spent much time thinking about the finality of life. But yesterday as I was tucking in to lunch at my office canteen, I realised I at the not so tender age of 22, I could very well be a quarter of the way through my life.

The thought made me shiver slightly, I don't usually think about death, or getting older, anymore than I think about spring becoming summer, it's just always been something that happens in the background. But in that moment of clarity, with a fork halfway to my mouth, I saw the next 22 years stretching out ahead of me like my life flashing before my eyes. I must say it looked rather boring, and my work seemed to feature prominently in it all.

Without realising it I had become a career focused kind of dude. And possibly neglecting all the fun that I could be having, and really should be having. I think my life is out of balance, and I need to start enjoying myself a little mrs, especially with my boyfriend, who is probably sick of me acting like a stress head all the time.

I woke ip this morning and did my hair in a different way(not much but it's a start), tried smiling more too, and trying to think of all the things I want to do. I have some holiday comin up too so it seems the perfect time to pull myself back into myself. So I sign off with a positive note. I am not ready for my life to be done, when it feels like it's only jet begun.